My Lavender Lady (Avengers soulmate AU) On Hiatus

Aftermath emotions

I woke up, crying as the memories of last night flooded into my head. I never wanted to kill even if it was her or Hydra, and yet.... I'm a monster. I cried to myself as I woke up. "(Y/N)!? Princess! your awake," Loki said, as he and Natasha ran to my side. I screamed as my tears grew heavier, "No! STAY AWAY FROM ME!' I shrieked as my wings pushed them away. My wings wrapping around me as I currled up in a ball on the bed. "(Y/N), what's wrong? There's nothing to be worried about Braveheart," Natasha asked as she sat on the bed, smoothing out my feathers as she tried to calm me down. I couldn't help my choking in my tears as I pushed her hand away. "D-don't t-touch me! I-I-I-I'm a MONSTER! I NEVER SHOULD'VE EXHISTED, I NEVER SHOULD'VE GOTTEN POWERS! I KILLED HER! I KILLED MY MOTHER, I KILLED AND PUT INNOCENT PEOPLE IN DANGER WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT! I-I'M A MONSTER! A-A-A FREAK! I-I-I-."

I would've kept going if Loki hadn't cheated using magic to calm me down. "Love look at me," he said as his skin turned blue, his eyes becoming red as fangs and horns grew from his face and head. "If anyone's a monster in this room it's me, and if anyone knows the consequences of letting their anger run loose, it is also me myself. The difference? You did it because you HAD to, while I was upset and let my emotions gain control of me over something that made little to no difference to how things already are," he said gently rocking me in his arms, slowly starting to lull me back to sleep.

"Before Barton and Budapest, I was raised to kill, and I chose to kill. It was all I had and all I knew of of how to make a difference, you have and are so much more than all three of us. Everyone saw everything. You where only doing what you needed to, and that was the option you chose that would get the job done, nobody will ever hate you for doing what was right. Even if doing what's right ment killing sometimes," Natasha said as I finally slipped back to sleep. "O-okay," I whispered as I shut my eyes.

I guess I still got a bit emotional in my sleep since I woke up inside a Black and Grey bubble of...confusion, and a bit of depression from last night's situation. I didn't really feel like getting up, so I just left it alone and curled up in a ball again as the Bubble became less and less transparent. I wasn't crying anymore, just... Feeling. Just Feeling and Thinking. I don't really know what to call it. "Hey there Sweetheart. Whatcha doing. Are you still, upset," Bucky asked, sitting next to me. At this point the bubble had popped a while ago but my emotions where still circling around me in blacks and greys. My aura wrapped around me like a weighted blanket.

"I don't know. I feel loss, relief, and just random thinking really. My mind's... a mess I guess," I said finally relaxing, just a little bit. He just nodded, petting my hair before getting up. "I know it sounds wrong but you'll be glad that you did it. Glad that someone didn't wipe your mind, making you have to remember the things you COULDN'T do," he finished as he left me be. I guess he was right. All three of my soulmates probably did the same thing or worse, and here I am breaking after something so seemingly small. It's the difference between a somewhat 'normal' person, and those who never even got the chance to be normal.

With that in mind, somehow I managed to shake off the thick air of depression around me as I made my way to the shower. Stopping as I remembered the Bath Nat and I shared, I pulled out my phone to text her. I was already halfway through the second sentence before Nat's hand came into view, stealing my phone from my hands. "A bath sounds nice. Why don't we invite the boys? I know a nice hotspring spa just a Loki teleport away. They were whiny babies last time when we did it without them," she suggested as she threw my pone on the bed.

I just nodded, "yeah. That sounds fun. Should we call ahead to let them know?" I said reaching for my phone again before Natasha dragged me away again. "Yeah, Stark owns it. Calling ahead would scare them, let's just change to our bathing suits. I already messaged the boys," she said as she dragged me to the Closet. After about 10 minutes she was in a fancy black piece, and had somehow convinced me to wear a bikini.

She and I wore simple sundresses over our bathing suits as the boys came in. "You two ready to go? You alright Sweetheart," Bucky asked, holding my hand in his. I nodded shyly, "yeah. Let's go." I said before a flash of green light surrounded us before we were at the edge of an Olympic sized hot tube instead of our shared bedroom. "Ah, finally a chance for us to freshen up," Loki sighed in relief as we took of our over clothes. He and Bucky had some nearly skintight Swimtrunks in their signature colors with their hair up in messy man buns as they got in before me and Nat.