Izuku Midoryia One-Shots

Urges

Izuku hates this.

He hates being broken.

Why couldn't he be normal? Will he ever be normal? What even is normal? Whatever it was, it wasn't this. Normal isn't staying up until ungodly hours because your mind has a million thoughts, and a million questions and there just isn't enough time to sort through them all.

It's not like he's always like this... Because he's not (or is he?). Most days he can smile and laugh with all of his friends (are they really his friends? Does he really have friends now?), but then day turns into night and he wished he could sleep. Craves it.

It's always the days when he's truly exhausted do the thoughts, the urges come back. Midoryia is better now, has been for awhile. But some days, he misses the days when he used to cut into his skin like butter.

Just how messed up was that? Wishing to be back to his lowest point. Sometimes being the way he is now -happy- feels so wrong. It's almost like he misses the sadness. It was apart of him for so long and then it... wasn't. It made him feel empty in ways that he couldn't explain.

In ways that terrified him.

He couldn't stay here- in his dorm. He's afraid that he might not be able to control himself this time and unscrew his pencil sharpener and do what he used to do everyday every night.

He gets out of bed, dragging his blanket with him. He just needed to get out of here, who cares if it's half past two and he should be asleep.

The walk to the common room is short. He wouldn't go to the dorm roofs tonight, that would be too risky (too thrilling). The clouds in his head are far too heavy tonight and Izuku hardly even remembers exiting his room as he arrives to the common room.

But he's not alone. The kitchen light is on and he see's a man with black hair hunched over staring at his computer screen. For a moment, Izuku considers turning back and going back to the confines of his room. But his room is dangerous, much more dangerous than his cranky (but softy) teacher.

So Izuku slowly walks over, his blanket still wrapped around him, and pours himself a cup of coffee because there's no way he's going to sleep tonight. Might as well feel sort of awake than dead with exhaustion. He sits next to his teacher who closes his Laptop and takes a sip of his own coffee.

"Why are you down here when you should be asleep." Izuku wants to retort by telling him he should be sleeping too, but the knives next to the sink catch his eyes and he can't look away. It's like they're teasing him with how sharp and shiny they look. Maybe... Somehow, he can sneak one up to his room and-

No. He can't do that. He's better now.

"Kid? You alright?" With all the strength Izuku can muster, he rips his gaze away from the knives (how pathetic is that? It shouldn't have been that hard to do something as mundane as looking away from kitchen tools).

Because that's what they are. Kitchen tools, but Izuku has twisted it into something else. Oh how easy it would be to just fall back into that familiar dark rhythm. It would be as easy as blinking.

"Yeah." His voice is too quiet. Too sad sounding. He tries to at least make his voice seem at least a little bit louder, but right now, Izuku doesn't have the strength. "I just couldn't be in my dorm room tonight, so I thought I could just hangout down here fo awhile."

Midoryia doesn't know when it happened, but his gaze has returned back to the knives. His legs start to tremble with the need to walk over there and slice his wrists.

He could hold on. He just needed to last tonight and then things will be okay again.

"Why couldn't you stay in your dorm room?" Izuku chugs the rest of his coffee and wants to get more, but the coffee pot is right next to the knives and Aizawa is here and he can't find out that Izuku is not normal.

"Too dangerous. Couldn't go to roof either." His words sound slurred and why did he say that now Aizawa will want to know why and he cant know why. Hecanthecanthecant-

God, why was he so tired?

"Why was it dangerous?" Midorya doesn't miss how his teacher's voice seems to be a little bit more concerned than before.

"Bad night. Thought common room would be safe." He crosses his arms on the tables and hides his head with them. It's the safest option and will constrict his eyes from gluing on to the sharp objects (the objects that beg to be carved into his skin).

"Why isn't it safe?" Does he really want to answer that? Not really. Not at all actually.

"Too many things to harm myself with." Izuku mumbles out without meaning too. Or maybe he does. He's not sure, but talking to Aizawa is making the screams from his wrists a little bit more easier to ignore. "I don't want to do it again. But I'm broken."

"You're not broken, Izuku," Shouta states immediately.

"Yeah, I am. I mean- who wishes to go back to their lowest point? Who misses the sadness that used to swallow them whole every waking moment? Even now, it's so hard not to cut into my own skin."

"You're not broken. Even now, you're still fighting. You chose to come down here because you thought it would be safer for you. I'll say this one more time, you're not broken."

Was he supposed to react to that? He didn't really know how. And strangely enough, all he could think about was how the coffee was not doing it's job at keeping him awake.

"Thanks for talking to me, Sensei." And his eyes are so heavy that he can't resist the urge to close them. He falls asleep and his mind isn't so loud anymore.

But he isn't completely better. Not yet.