Letters for Sally

Chapter 14

Chapter 14
'This woman is driving me crazy! I have never been so in love and confused in all my life! Yes, Jean I am talking to you. I love you and I want to marry you someday. I want you to be my bride for life! Do you have any idea about how much you mean to me? I can't stand being so far away from you. I have been thinking that maybe I should just quit school and come be with you instead but I know that is not a good long term decision. And you my beauty would have a fit if I did anything out of order or unrational. That is one of the things I Love most about you Jean. You're so sensible and calculated. You think before you act and you always think about consequences. You're so hot! I love your logical mind and attention to detail. I know that marrying you someday would complete me in a way nothing else could! I have to run to class. I will write again tomorrow and get this week's letters in the mail tomorrow evening.
Until next time your love is my food,
-Dale"

Sally giggled to herself, her dad was so desperately in love with her mother. He was funny and his descriptions of her mother help Sally understand just how much she is like her momma. She liked the thought of being like her. It's like being herself keeps her near her mother in a way. She wished she could call her mom and talk to her about all these letters and notebooks and also ask her how she knew she was in love. She would have loved to hear more about her mother's side of this love story... maybe it would be in the notebooks or in that one she had not started called, 'The story of us'. These stories helped her not only feel more connected to her parents but also helped her understand her own feelings growing rapidly for Hotah.

She was trying not to allow herself to get too close to him but it wasn't working and some days all she could think about was him. He took her mind off of even her mother and her bitterness. Sally thought maybe she was healing. She needed to read her bible again and she needed to let her anger go but that was the hardest part and she still had not decided to do that. She kept putting those feelings aside. She knew at this point she was stuffing and needed to deal with her relationship with God. She was slowly starting to see He was helping her even in her stubbornness but now she needed His help too. She knew she was going to have to deal with these new extreme feelings she had never experienced before in her life. She wasn't sure but she thinks she might be falling in love. She felt she lost her person, the person she was closest to that she would go to for advice about things like falling in love and now her relationship with God had distanced to such a degree she didn't even participate in church anymore. When Harry preached on Sunday mornings she just vaguely listened and she didn't sing like she used too. She tried to pretend she was enjoying herself but she figured Harry and Maggie knew better. They were very observant people and they watched her closely. She was pretty sure they cared a lot about her. However, they never pushed her or made her talk about it. Sally had noticed that they had started to talk more about God and her situation more in the last couple of weeks. They asked questions that made her think and she noticed the difference. She wasn't too sure why now after two and a half months but she figured it was because her time there was coming to an end eventually and no one had talked about when. She knew she had to go back to the city and talk to her mother's lawyer about her permanent plans until she turned 18. She had less than a month of school left and then she had to figure out what she was going to do. It was starting to feel like too much. She was truly on her own. Her time at the ranch had distracted her from reality. She was alone and she wasn't sure what to do.

Sally's mind started to wander to Hotah after she tried to dismiss the heavy thoughts about her next move and what she would do and who would be her guardian. She had fallen for this guy and now she would have to face the consequences. She enjoyed his presence more than anyone else on the planet and she could not imagine not being beside him everyday working with the horses. The thought almost made her sick and definitely made her afraid, not scared, but a fear of losing him. She wondered what to do with all these feelings. Hotah and her had never talked about it. She was sure he felt the same based on how he looked at her sometimes and acted but she didn't have a verbal confirmation. She was afraid to ask, she would be hurt and embarrassed if he didn't feel the same as her. She was so confused and worried.

Sally heard the Holy Spirit loud in her mind, 'Come to me all who are weary and broken and you will find rest.' Sally had been hearing this more often. God was being very persistent and she decided to open her bible and give God another try. He was silent about Hotah all He said in His word to her was, " But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you." From Matthew 6:33. She sighed, she knew it and she had seen that coming from everywhere lately, signs, the radio, Harry's preaching, and of course from Maggie, it was like Maggie knew something Sally didn't. God had been trying to reach her and she ignored Him. Sally realized in that moment she had been a fool. She got down on her knees and apologized. "God, I am a mess and I am sorry. I have no idea what I am doing and I pushed you out because I was angry at you and sad." She began to sob it came all at once like a flood. Her eyes made tears quicker than she had ever experienced. All the pain came up, the sadness, anger, confusion, and bitterness. It all came up and out of her body through her eyes and down her face. She had not cried like this since her mom actually died. But this time it was a release, a flood gate had opened in her heart and soul and all that bottled up emotion was being forced out, let free to escape. She wondered for only a second if her loud sobs would disrupt the house but then she cried louder and gave into the release of pain. She trusted God and she didn't hide her thoughts anymore. She continued to softly pray while crying. "I don't understand why you let her go. Why you are making me live alone. I'm so sorry I denied you and pushed you out. I know your God and you love me. I was acting like a baby like a little kid who lost my toy. I am ashamed and lost. Can you forgive me, can you help me with my anger?" Sally cried for a long time, she sobbed and it felt like sorrow escaped her body. She felt lighter and peace washed over her whole being. She thought to herself why did I take 5 months to ask for His peace? She thanked God for His goodness and for being faithful to her even when she had turned her back on Him. All she felt was love, no shame, no guilt, no condemnation, just a peace she had not felt in a long time and pure, honest, truth filled love.

Maggie held her hand over her mouth as she cried to herself. She was sitting on the floor in the hallway near Sally's door. She heard crying and went to go check on Sally but the Lord stopped her and she heard her prayers, her sobs, her journey toward peace again. Maggie had grown to deeply love this child. She was watching her change and she knew she was distant from God. She had prayed everyday for her from the moment Harry told her about her mother's death. She knew God would want her in their life. She was so grateful at that moment. A moment when she knew God was healing a part of Sally that was deeply broken. She knew she would find peace and joy again and things would be different for her after this moment of healing with the Savior. Maggie thanked God over and over under her breath. That was all she could utter, just thank you over and over. Harry saw her sitting in the hallway and he came over and sat beside her. "Honey are you ok?" Maggie looked at her husband with tear stained cheeks and smiled, "God is healing her in there Harry, she is going to be ok." Harry felt joy reach up and grab his heart and tears stung his eyes. He had hoped for this day and prayed for her heart. God was good and He was faithful to their prayers. They would all three sleep very well tonight. No more nightmares and screams in the late hours. Sally was going to be ok. God was bringing her back from her season of deep pain.

Sally had surrendered her heart to God, her pride, her control and in its place she found joy, peace and love again. She read a few pages out of her mother's journal and a couple more letters from her father to her mother. She sat back and started thinking about Hotah. She knew now more than ever that she loved him and that love was going to complicate things. She would be leaving soon to go figure her life out and he would be here taking care of horses without her. She wasn't sure what God's plan was but she was hoping it involved Hotah. She decided this time she would try harder to trust God and ask for his opinion and wisdom and listen. However, in the back of her mind she wished and hoped His will for her life involved Hotah because imagining her life without him was making her sad again.