falling

~chapter 5~

They'd agreed to go to a kegger together. Topper was out of town and it was like they were younger again. Just the two of them. They drank and played beer pong and danced and for a split second Sarah had forgotten that she had a boyfriend who was not John B.

When the night began to fade and she found herself sitting next to him by a fire, it felt like all the feelings they had tried to tuck away were making their way back up. His eyes were boring into hers.

"Don't look at me like that." she said

"Like what?"

"Like you still love me."

He scoffed. "Don't you get it? I do still love you."

"Where was that when we needed it, John B? When we still had a chance." She didn't know where the spurt of anger came, but a part of her wasn't over the fact that he used to be hers and now he wasn't. She understood it, and she forgave him, but she didn't forget it.

"Sarah I always loved you. Always. I can't lose you again"

"You already did." she spat in a hushed voice before stalking past him, forcing herself not to look back. She knew if she did, they would end up in the same old pattern. Of him coming back for her and she falling into his embrace again. It hurt, not turning back for once, but it was right.

x

She wanted to ignore him, push him further away so that there was no possibility of her falling into him again. She didn't exactly know why she wanted to. Maybe it was because she craved him so intensely with her entire being that her brain convinced her it must be wrong if she desired it so bad. That's the way most things worked right?

Still, she found herself walking to their spot on the beach in the middle of the night after their fight at the kegger, somehow knowing he would be there too. She could see the silhouette of his hair resting in the sand. When she sat next to him, and he said nothing for a while, she knew he was hurting like she was. That he was confused and hurt.

"Maybe everyone was right. About you. About us. Maybe a Pogue and a Kook could never work out." His voice cracked and he never turned to look at her.

A tear slipped from her swollen eyes.

"John B."

"No Sarah. It's done. We tried. I tried."

"We can be friends." She said weakly. She knew it was stupid. But she was still with Topper and she was scared of letting John B in again.

"No we can't, Sarah. You know we can't" she was silent, a tear escaping her eye. "I can't just be your friend. I can't stand watching you with him. It makes my stomach hurt and my head heavy and I can't sleep at night knowing you're out there laying with him instead of me. It's killing me more than I've let you see."

"I never meant to hurt you."

"I know you didn't. I hurt you first. I understand that. I hurt you and I lost you and it's too late," he finally turned to her, his hair shaking in the wind. "I was too late."

She wanted to tell him that he never lost her, that he probably never would. But she stayed silent as she watched him turn on his side, the both of them facing each other in the sand.

"Topper is the better man."

"What?"

"Topper is the better man," he repeated. She could see sorrow oozing from his deep eyes, boring into her own.

"No. No that's not-"

"Sarah," he dragged a finger faintly over her cheek. "If I could give you everything this world had to offer, I would." his voice was a whisper, dancing in the wind and her throat felt dry because they hadn't opened up the wound that was their romantic past ever since she had forgiven him. "Topper can. You deserve a guy like Topper. Not someone like me."

"That's not true, John B."

"It is." he whispered. He leaned closer to her, brought her lips to his until they were kissing slowly. He brought her bottom lip between his like he always did and it made a tear fall down Sarah's cheek. She knew he was saying goodbye. That he was kissing her slow and gentle because he was basking in her one last time.

"I hope you find all the happiness in life, Sarah," he said when they had parted.

Then he got up, smiled at her softly, and left. And Sarah was left there to cry for the thousandth time because of him. Or lack thereof.