The Diary of a Girl - Living in a World that Refuses to get Better

Day 1: There's Something Wrong

So, I wasn't actually going to start writing this diary on here, but here we are. I guess I should  start by introducing myself. Hello. I'm a 21 year old female who works at a factory, and, like most people these days, I'm unhappy. I guess you wouldn't actually say unhappy because I smile a lot. Most of the time it's forced, though, because people don't like when I'm not smiling. Fake smiles all around.

I read somewhere that if you fake a smile, it's more likely that you would smile for real. I think that's total bullshit. Most of the time for me, fake smiling only brings more fake smiles. Like I can't produce enough dopamine, the chemical of pleasure, or serotonin, the chemical of happiness. I guess I'm broken. Damaged goods, my mom says.

Well, maybe I'm damaged because I can't talk about how I feel. Every time I try, I get talked over, ignored, or told I'm being childish or inappropriate. So maybe I should just stop talking? Just pretend that nothing's ever wrong, or that the something wrong doesn't matter? That's the adult thing to do, right?

I'm starting to understand what adulthood is all about. You can't talk about your feelings. You have to cater to everyone else. You can't say anything's wrong. You have to act like you don't know anything or you have to blame other people for your wrongdoings. You can't admit defeat, and Gods forbid you break down. I don't want to be apart of that.

Why can't we admit we're hurting? Why can't we cry when we're feeling sad? Because other people say so. Everything is "because I say so." Nothing is ever, "because this happens if you don't do this," Or "Because this will happen if you do this." I'm only asking for an explanation for why something needs to happen. What chain of events will happen if I don't do as you say? Will something break? Will someone get hurt? Explain to me what's going to happen, and you get a better result from me.

Wouldn't you think?