The Diary of a Girl - Living in a World that Refuses to get Better

Day 2: Bottling Up

Growing up, I was taught that I should bottle up your emotions and that I should never say no, especially to a man. You could say no to people who were teasing you, but never to someone being serious. And if someone was being serious, you shouldn't show them emotions. So, growing up, I bottled everything up. Never said no to situations I wasn't comfortable with, and never showed that I was happy, or scared, or sad, or even angry.

This caused a lot of issues later on, as anger issues and panic attacks started to settle in. I didn't know how to deal with myself, and I still don't. I keep getting told to go to therapy, but I would just get stuck in a mental ward. Maybe that's where I belong?

I have no clue.

I keep telling myself that things will get better and that all the pain will stop coming. But in reality, it's never so simple. It doesn't just stop. It never gets better. It's really like God or the Gods, depending on what you believe, have something against me, you know? I know I'm going to hell anyway, so why should they have anything against me? What did I do that was so horrible?

That's one of my beliefs. Everyone goes to hell. It just matters how long you stay there. You do 7 years for every lie, a million years for every murder, and for every stolen item, you do a millennium. For every rape, you do 10 thousand years. Suicide counts as murder, so you do a million years in the pit. I'm told this belief is one of my problems.