Highland Bear (Book 4)

Chapter 32

Chapter 32

When in the darkest part of your life, it was almost impossible to see the light before you. There were people around you and yet you were the loneliest person around. You could be seen and heard and yet feel as if you were invisible and ignored by all. All your actions are judged in your own mind, and reviewed and rerun constantly, your stomach churning and roiling as though you were nervous. But these nerves could bring you to your knees, or send your entire body into an emotionless shell.

It was a situation you never wanted to find yourself in. Yet once you were there you saw no end to it. Clenching your hands as they shake. Blinking was hard, no it was almost impossible. Especially when breathing felt as if a weight had been placed on your chest and then pressed down upon. Staring was a good option but it was a good way for people around to ask questions. Questions that you longed to answer and yet at the same time knew that you would never be able to answer them.

Even if you could, you would never be able to make them understand the emotions swirling around inside. How nothing you did was ever good enough, always trying to claw your way back into a normalcy, while all others were just expecting it of you, never seeing the struggle inside which was been battled against during those dark times. Breathing shaky and hard to catch, nothing was gaining any hint of the light only that there was a feeling that fingertips were clawing at the ledge that was barely holding up.

You tried to do anything and everything to keep holding on, to make sure that everything around was floating along in the tides of life. And whilst everyone around managed to stay afloat, you had to try your hardest to not drown amidst the horror and disappointment that you think you create in life.

Kendrick took a deep breath and looked at the rich group he was surrounded by. He fit in with these people in principle. His clothing and standing meaning he had a right to be here, and yet it felt as if he were underwater, sounds coming to him as if from a distance, and while those around him laughed, jested and back stabbed, he was unable to gain any emotion to be able to join in on any level. He went through motions, acted and put on a face, and yet nothing he showed was real. They would never comprehend if he was to tell them of the struggle within, all they saw was the superfluous exterior that in the end meant nothing at all.

They were cold to each other, whilst inside he was numb. Too much emotion? Or too little? At times he did not know and at others he wished it was one rather than the other. Nothing he did was good enough, he had to hide who he was and what he was feeling in order to actually survive another day in this godforsaken live he had. The one woman he wanted was weeks of journeying away from him, and currently that way was blocked by Mother Nature herself. On top of that, the woman herself wanted nothing to do with him. Was he truly that bad? The male he considered his closest friend was currently at odds with him, admittedly that truly was his fault as his actions had caused the rift coming between them. But the more he thought of his actions so, the less and less he wanted to know about it, the worse the nerves became in his stomach and the more his mind withdrew from the world, and the more the thoughts swirled and repeated and reran again and again, until nothing mattered but the fact he was not good enough.