I can't.
You apologize. Why?
You criticize. Why?
Thinking only of pain, only of sorrow.
Forgetting the sun.
Forgetting that just because I can't run doesn't mean I have no fun.
It doesn't mean I have no emotions.
It doesn't mean you have to work so hard.
You anger me.
I know I suck. I know I'm making things hard.
I know that you're struggling too.
Stop.
Taking it out on me...
I explain, my feelings.
I've been honest with you, about my fears.
You see me brush off my problems to deal with yours.
That's all I want to do..
I hate it all.
You're useless.. He whispers
You make things harder for everyone around you... He says.
There's nothing you can do.
Play outside.
If you wish to feel again.
The sun on your skin, the blood in your legs, each step...
I wish I could.
But this doubt is eating me.
A father, A daddy, someone I looked up to.
My guardian, my knight in armor, my supposed protector.
He started it all.
He's the one
Who brought sadness into my heart
The one who made everything hard
Oh so difficult,
Because the doubt grows.
The snake planted a seed in my soil which I am too weak to lift.
I turn to you for help..
But you need me.
So I let it grow.
I put the weed killer back in the shed, locked the doors.
I let it eat the water from within me,
I let it tear me down.
I let the seed sprout into a dangerous weed.
You know it is there..
But you do not see the size of it.
You do not realize how deeply rooted it has become.
Pulling it suddenly would save me. Digging down and pulling out the dead bits.. Would save me..
But you say you care. You give me *kisses* and *hugs*
You promise to protect me..
But my fathers seed remains, and probably will remain forever.
Please, stop.
I know you're lying..
His whispers return.
I can't.
I want to help you...
But your taste is like a drug.
I feel guilty.
Its so wrong
And I know it
But its an addiction..
You lie. He says.
He lies. He says.
SOMETHING IS WRONG!!
Its so clear to me.
Are we using each other?
Like a temporary medicine that will soon run out?
Will we split down the middle?
Tear each other apart?
I give you fear, you return the favor.
A life is in my hands here.
Chains, around my wrists.
If I move the alarms go off.
If I move, the terror and self executions begin.
Punching
Hitting
Cutting
Scratching
Slamming
Banging
Tearing..
Ripping...
It begins.
Your weed sprouts.
I stand behind you with the weed killer, but you refuse.
Please please, do as I say and not as I do!!
Let me help.
Let me help!
Let me help!
Let me help!!
Let me help!!!
LET ME HELP YOU!!
But
I can't..
I lock away the help I need.
The key is in my hands, all I have to do is open the door.
I try with you.
But every moment of silence makes you worse.
You want me to open the weed killer, pour it upon myself.
But every second I reach for it the life drains from your soil.
I turned off notifications.
I no longer hear you right away.. I pause.
I procrastinate.
Because I can't .
I can't handle the pain.
I miss the old days of my childhood.
Rolling in the Tennessee snow
Laughing
Smiling
The perfect family
I'd do anything to feel safe again..
But every second I pause is a second lost.
A second you insist on approaching the grave.
One moment is equal to your pain.
One hour is equal to your suffering.
I wish I could make it go away.
I wish I could make your crying, screaming, beating go away.
But
I can't.
Because I am too weak to move.
:v
