R E C O V E R Y: A Journey of Kicking an Eating Disorder and Loving Myself

30 November 2020 - Real, Raw and so very Emotional

This Sunday is my 21st birthday which iw as excited about but this quickly changed as no one really made an effort, which isn't anyone's fault. My birthday happens to be at a very inconvient time where my friends are either heading off on well deserved holidays, finishing up university (prac) or picked up extra work shifts now that uni is finished for the year. So I understand that everyone is busy. 

My family however is another story. Yesterday was supposed to be a relaxing Sunday but it was spent with my parents and sister, travelling around to see different restaurants for my birthday dinner/ lunch. It was a head pounding experience. My parents were constantly arguing over ridiculous things and my mom, who I love dearly, when she gets upset, tries to hurt other people by commenting on things they like or threaten to take things away. For example my sister does not have the best taste in music and my mother will make metion of her listening to "crap" which in turn sparks a response from her. It is actually a really toxic cycle and I am beginning to take notice of how much they argue. Whenever I go over to visit they are arguing and it is just getting to the point where I can't deal with it anymore. It was frustating as well because my sister decided to come but refused to get out of the car and as soon as we got home she goes to her room and locks herself in. If I behaved that way my parents would have not let me hear the end of it but they treat my sister so differently, and their expectations of her are so different. 

So my anxiety was through the roof. I know they mean well but the arguing just gets too much sometimes and I feel like the organising of my 21st is coming on to me which is what I wanted to avoid because I have always had to organise my own birthdays and this time I just wanted someone else to put some thought and effort into it, but now I have to go over there tonight and help make reseverations and pick places. It also frustrates me because my dad wanted to hold it at a Chinese restaurant orginally, which did not at all make me feel worth much. I know he didn't see it like this but this is how it felt. I really wanted this birthday to be special because I just haven't had a special birthday since I was about 3. I didn't have a memorable 18th (went to Hilary's with two friends and out to dinner with my family). So I really wanted this one to be good and spend it with my friends and family, have lots of photos taken and just enjoy the night. It isn't like I am asking to rent out a hall and have a DJ, a photo booth and catered food for my birthday which is what one of my lovely friend's had for hers and it was awesome! Now it will most likely be held at an Italian restaraunt which I didn't really like. It just frustrates me because I do not ask for much, I really don't I understand that I chose to stay moved out, I understand how expensive living is and even when I was in school I never really asked for much. I didn't even go to my school ball because I couldn't ask my parents to fork out that much over a dress, tickets, limo, makeup and extras, but my sister gets everything she wants and just asks and asks and asks. If this was her birthday I can't help but feel my parents would be fulfilling her every request which would most definetly be extravagent and expensive. 

My partner is planning the 21st birthday celebrations with my friends but I don't really know how that's going since one messaged me today asking what was happening and if I was doing anything since I cancled my original very lame event. I guess I will just have to see what happens. 

I am just overworked and overtired, I am tired of being in this city, I want a break. A break from the conflict, a break to recharge because I am just about burnt out. I am struggling so much and people don't seem to understand that. I feel like because I just push and push myself to achieve and I succeed in achieving, people just assume it's easy for me and I am coping so well. When I am not. I work so hard and for such little reward.  I have picked up the extra shifts so I have more money to spend on OTHERS at christmas and I am just tired. 

I have also come to reflect that I have my own issues and I don't always do things for the right reasons. I really have a need to impress others and for other people to be proud of me and it really hurts when they aren't. For example I was really upset that my parents didn't seem to care about my conditional offer for the Graduate Diploma in Psychology when there are only 70 places available. I know this was just my perception of things but it just frustrated me because I worked so hard and was juggling so much. Another example is I was showing my mom a photo of my arm and back definition to which she rolled her eyes and made a sarcastic comment about me looking at myself. This annoyed me so much because I have been working so hard not just on fitness but on recovering from the buliema which worsens when get anxious or people make comments like this. I acknolwedge this is my own issue which I must work through. I just wish those close to showed more positive emotion. This hasn't been an easy journey at all. Eating more food and getting out of the disordered mindset is so tough and I find myself back there A LOT, trying to not compensate and trying to work myself down from the anxiety. 

I have to go to work soon and all I can say is I can't wait until I can work normal working hours and in a job within my career field. I am stressed because I am always stressed going into work. I am tired and I don't really want to have to go deal with birthday plans after work. I just want to come home, get into my PJs and read my book. Shut off from the rest of the world. 

I just want to shut off from the rest of the world. Just for a little bit.