To My Knight in Distress

Page 10

To My Knight in Distress

PAGE TEN

The person you love will always be the same person who shatters you the most. I never knew how real it was until I experienced it myself. It freaking hurts, like the only kind of hurt I've ever known.

Your father needed to see you. Binisita tayo ng Mommy mo para sabihin ang kalagayan ng Daddy mo, para pauwiin ka muli... para ilayo ka sa 'kin.

He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Anong panama ko roon, 'di ba?

Ayokong umalis ka pero hindi rin naman ako masamang tao. Ayoko maging selfish. But you know what hurt me the most? You didn't even need my consent. You didn't even ask me for my opinion.

Matapos i-kwento ng Mommy mo ang lahat, agad kang tumungo sa kuwarto matapos kayong mag-iyakan. Agad kang nagligpit ng mga gamit na hindi man lang sinasabi sa akin kung anong desisyon mo.

Pinagmasdan kitang lumabas ng bahay pero wala kang narinig sa 'kin. You promised me you'll come back. You promised to message and call me every day. You promised you'll be here in a week, before my birthday.

'Yon ang tanging pinanghawakan ko. I know you're good at keeping promises. I know you'll come back.

You stayed true to your words. You messaged me as soon as the plane landed. You gave me updates every time. But as days went by, every hour of texting turned to three times a day. Long messages turned into a word reply. You left my take care unanswered and my messages ignored.

I always tried to call you but you rarely answer.

My birthday came and you were nowhere to be seen.

Everything is never the same without you, Sylv. Our house, the shop, the smell of bread and coffee every morning.

Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit naghihintay pa rin ako. Aligaga ako tuwing may kumakatok sa pinto ng bahay, baka sakaling umuwi ka na... baka sakaling naalala mo pa akong balikan.

A week turned into months.

Two months, Sylv. Dalawang buwan akong nagpakatanga kakahintay sa 'yo at sa loob ng dalawang buwan na 'yon, araw-araw din kitang sinusubukan tawagan at i-message. You never answered, as if I'm a complete stranger to you.

I felt really betrayed.

Anong nangyari sa 'tin?

Akala ko masaya tayo? Akala ko walang susuko?

Pero ano 'tong ginawa mo sa 'kin? I don't even have the slightest idea if you're still alive.

Sa loob ng dalawang buwan na wala ka, unti-unting nalugi ang bakeshop natin. You left me your recipe but it never tasted the same. My hands are very different from yours. Hindi ko alam kung anong magic ang nilalagay mo sa mga tinapay pero wala ako no'n.

Nawala ang mga customers natin at wala akong nagawa kundi isaradong pansamantala ang shop.

Bumalik ako sa pagkanta para buhayin ang sarili. I was hired as a singer at a restobar in Lanang.

Unti-unti akong nawawalan ng pag-asa na babalik ka pa, pero gabi-gabi pa rin akong nag-aabang sa tapat ng bahay, umaasang isang araw ay makikita ka. Sinasabi ng utak ko na hindi ka na babalik pero iba ang sigaw ng puso ko, alam kong hindi mo ako iiwan.

It was hard, fighting a battle between what I knew and what I felt.

I know you'll keep your promise. You told me to wait and that's how I lived every day. I'm holding on, Sylvester. I just can't let you go that easily.

It was hard waking up every day knowing you're not with me. Hinahanap-hanap ko pa rin 'yong presensiya mo tuwing umaga o tuwing uuwi ako ng bahay.

We've only been married for a year but I can't get used to it. I can't get used to being alone again.

I regret not saying this to you... but I need you. I need you here by my side every time.

I need you here with me.

I need you.

Honestly, I felt really stupid for holding on to things that just keep on hurting me.

I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know want to do.

Gusto kitang sundan sa Manila pero natatakot ako sa kung anong pwede kong datnan. Natatakot akong baka magkasalisi tayo. Natatakot akong ilusyon lang ang lahat ng mayroon tayo. Natatakot akong kinalimutan mo na talaga ako ng tuluyan.

But did you know what changed my mind?

I was cleaning up the entire house one day to keep myself occupied. Wala akong nagawa kundi maluha habang tinitiklop ang mga naiwan mong damit. Your closet still has your scent and it reminds me of everything about you. The way your eyes became smaller whenever you laugh, or how you stupidly laugh at everything.

I missed you, Sylv.

Sa ilalim ng mga damit mo ay may tatlong pregnancy test na may isang linya. Halos mapanganga ako sa nakita. Hindi ko inakalang itinabi mo pala ang lahat ng 'to.

God knows how much we tried but maybe it wasn't the right time yet. Minsan naiisip ko, aalis ka pa rin ba kung may anak tayo?

But what shocked me the most is the fourth pregnancy test I saw. It has two red lines.

I never saw this one.

That time, I realized how selfish you were.

Maybe you never really loved me.

Nakakatawa kasi ako lang naman 'tong nag-assume na mahal mo rin ako. You never said you love me.

You were pregnant and you didn't even say it to me.

°•✮•°

unSilverme