Fool's Garden: A Collection of Unrequited Love Poems

Part 6: mutual understanding part 1

"Hey, Zara, can I ask you a question?" he asks.

"Yeah, sure, what's on you mind?"

It was 2 am in the morning, the usual perfect time for deep conversations or absurd existential spiel that usually comes from him as I listened half-heartedly.

Its a routine that brings us both comfort, even if its not as much as I wanted, but it brought solace to him. We can talk endlessly about any topics and the conversation flows.

The conversation took a hushed tone towards the end. A sudden question, the tone, the careful language that he used, I have a feeling that something innocent like this would turn into a bittersweet memory soon.

Nonchalantly, or how I think I sounded, I asked what the question was about.

I tried not to have any emotions asking, so he would not brush it off with a "nevermind" as often he does when he second guessed my trust in him.

Sometimes, I wished he can let his guard down, knowing he'd been telling me a lot about his life already. In the end, I was not prepared for the question he asked, and I wished he never asked me that.

"So Alya messaged me asking if I have feelings for you? And I was wondering if you knew something about this."

I've never really thought much about it. Actually, I lied, I did thought about it. I thought about it all the time.

I've thought about how when he smiles, his eyes glimmer when it squints.

I've thought about how when he gets excited he'll be grinning ear to ear and get fired up.

I've thought about all those moments, all those times he confided in me.

But that was a year ago. When I say I've never really thought much about it, I meant it in a way that I prefer to not indulge in a fantasy or falling in love with the idea of him.

Syd is still figuring out his life and trying to become a better person, I don't think the idea of needing to return my feelings is in his priority list and knowing what he feels about me is the least I want to know.

"Huh? Alya asked you that? What makes her think that you would have feelings for me?"

I'm trying my best to phrase it as objectively as I could. Knowing myself and knowing how impulsive I can be, this is a delicate matter that I must try to atleast exert some control over my emotions.

All I could think of is whether he'd reciprocate. Well, does he have feelings for me? Sometimes I caught him staring at me whenever we hung out, but I can never really tell, Syd never really talked about his feelings.

There are times he talked about other girls and how he likes them, but he never really took any action after.

It's as if he's only telling me about it because it keeps him busy.