memories; yeonbin

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December 25, 2021

Dear Soobin,

'I long to hold you in my arms,
Under the christmas lights.

I long to see you around me,
Dancing, in joyous spirit.

I long to sleep beside you,
Your hands running through my hair.

I long to kiss you,
Like you've never felt it before.

I long to hold you in my arms,
Under the christmas lights.'

I was really mad at you for never showing up( I still am), but Christmas is never complete without you.

Merry Christmas, Soobinnie.

I miss you so much. You might think that I'm carelessly throwing these words around, but trust me, i love you more than i express it.

I don't want to celebrate Christmas. Not without you. Never without you.

Christmas is all about putting up the lights with you, getting every chance to kiss you, cooking food with you, getting thrown out of the kitchen, and finally, sleeping to the thought of a new tomorrow, with you.

Now that you're not here,what's the point of Christmas?

Taehyun and Beomgyu invited Kai and me to their place for Christmas dinner.

Kai refused to come if I was there. Ive already made you unhappy for reasons unknown, which made you leave, and I didn't want to lose Kai either.

So I told Beomgyu and Taehyun that it's ok if I didn't come, and that Kai could go.

They weren't very happy with my decision but at this point, who cares?

I don't have you, my eternal source of happiness, then what's even the point of celebrating anything?

There's nothing happy for me, so I won't celebrate Christmas this year.

But I hope you have a great Christmas, and that you get to have all the food you'd like, and that you maybe miss me a little.

Not much, just think of me a little, like maybe 'Yeonjun hyung would really like to have this' or something. It's ok if you don't use hyung, I won't get angry, I'll let it pass this time.

I hope with the season of forgiveness, you forgive me for whatever wrong I've done, and as the season of gifts, you return back to me.

I really miss you, Soobin.

I love you so much, you have no idea.

My soul and heart aches without you, please come back.

Ps- it's a white Christmas here in Seoul, your favourite. I hope it's snowing wherever you are, and be warm. Drink some of your favourite tomato soup, it'll keep you warm.

-your Yeonjun hyung