Orphic - Until Dawn (Josh Washington)

☆ Chapter Ten - Grief ☆

TRIGGER WARNING!!

THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS TALK OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND THE ATTEMPT OF SELF HARM. PLEASE DO NOT READ FURTHER IF THIS WILL TRIGGER DARK THOUGHTS IN YOU OR YOU SUFFER WITH YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. 

Please keep in mind that my inbox is always open to talk, especially if you are going through a tough time.

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The room I’m greeted with when my eyes peel open is one I would have preferred to be far from, the familiar smell and feel of the room alone is enough to trigger the grief in me once more. I can barely keep my sob silent as I muster the strength to sit upright on the soft mattress whilst pulling back the soft covers and allowing my now bare feet to touch the cold wooden floors beneath them.

I frown in thought, trying desperately to wrack my brain for some kind of explanation of how I had come to be in Josh's room, in his bed with no shoes and wearing one of his oversized shirts.

It takes me a moment before the flashes begin, his death, my fight with Chris, my breakdown, but most of all, the person who had helped me. The person who felt and smelt like him. The person who in my weakened and broken state had appeared so clearly to be Josh to me though of course that was impossible because Josh is dead, I saw him die with my own eyes at the hands of a choice our best friend made.

Josh is dead.

The thought alone hits me tenfold, feeling like a rough soccer punch hitting me in my heart and lungs as my breath is knocked from them and my legs buckle beneath me as I attempt to stand. I reach out and grip the bed for support before allowing myself to fall to the floor, my sobs no longer silent as I pull my knees to my chest and release all my pain into the air around me.

I can’t do this.

My mind races with images of his smile, his eyes and the memories I had built and shared with him and the twins. With each flickering image another part of my heart draws cold and shatters away, drifting into the nothingness I feel within me as a cloud of numbness washes over my being like a tidal wave.

I succumb to it. No longer having the strength or will to fight it or go on. I have nothing. No one. All I had is gone.

I shake my head in disbelief of the nights events, no longer able to process it. Some sick and twisted killer is still out there, still lurking in the shadows with the thirst for blood but I don’t care. I’m not afraid to die, I haven’t been for a while.

Death is the ultimate escape, an escape I so desperately yearn for.

“Hello, little raven.”

The deep and almost robotic voice does nothing to startle me, nor does it provoke me to move from where I’m sat on the cold floor. I don’t lift my head or acknowledge the psycho's presence at all, what’s the point?

“Cora?...”

There it is again. Josh's voice in my head, sounding so concerned about me; it feels so real.

I clench my eyes shut tightly and shake my head more violently as I begin to rock on the spot, my heart breaking more and more as the pain proves too much. I can’t do this, it hurts. I stand abruptly with one soul thought in mind – I have to end it.

I frantically search the drawers in the room without sparing a single glance to the figure in the doorway, even as they watch me with their head tilted to the side and their hand reaching up to remove the mask. Instead, I keep my focus on the contents of each drawer until I find what I had been looking for.