And the rest, is Johann

Chapter 3. In vino veritas (II)

Johann felt as if the bedsheet was about to absorb him, them, and initialize a strange process of metamorphosis that would culminate in something majestic, maybe a butterfly or a mockingbird... maybe just a moth.

If ever given a choice, he would be interested in becoming a dragon. In the idle hours of his adolescence the idea had taken form in his mind, like the most realistic of his fantasies, the bloodless one: how he would create a shelter in a faraway mountain, could be a cave, deep in the snow -the Swiss Alps offered a good environment to grow up a legend such as that- and simply exist, in a different nature that would offer him a more interesting experience than the one of being a member of humankind, either as a leader or an outcast. A dragon would become a fine leader of men. It ought to be the laws of nature.

He wouldn't mind being that one. For once the idea of leadership shone suggestive, bemusing even. The absolute tyranny of it -beyond any laws of men. Dragons had transcended from the collective imagination for no other objective than domination, why should he offer anything different?

Once upon a time, Johann had surrendered to those others' desires, embracing the intoxicating fantasy of growing up to unleash a tyranny upon the earth. That had been the sole purpose of his childhood and, it proved an interesting time. More than any posterior adulthood anyway.

In such an exultant state of mind, he protectively embraced her -if there were wings, he would simply cover her- and decided to close his eyes, tightening that grip meant to protect, submit. Surprisingly, his conscience drifted away, rapidly. His deeper, much slower respiration accompanying hers now.

Alcohol indeed helped him to fall asleep... only to wake up minutes later.

The metamorphosis now complete, but instead of a monster or a dragon, he remained the same, becoming at most a simple snake. He closed his tired eyes again, concluding that trying to properly sleep the night off had been a mistake, and neither the absinthe nor her company were enough to ease his mind up to the deadly boredom that preceded somnolence.

Being human instead of a dragon was an utterly disappointing experience.

Looking at the chaos of dark blond hair in front of him, his attention parted from the nature of dragons to more mundane topics meant for mediocre humans.

Like solitude. Dragons couldn't feel any, he was sure, but people...

He ought some thoughts to that species he currently belonged to, at the expectation of transcending anytime soon.

Johann remembered that once he had felt something at the touch of another living creature -human or animal-, an emerging sensation of safety, calmness, that could culminate in the feeling of being loved. It had been a long time ago and so much had changed in the meantime. Now he was unable to wrap his mind around that idea, the link between the action -not sleeping alone-, and the reaction -safety, a home. A family.

There had to be a hidden variable, love among others, to explain such irrationality. Love was the spiritual counterpart of a shield, he recalled, against society, laws of nature, the entire universe, a source of immunity and strength. The reasons behind had always escaped his mind, though. Being his experience so scarce, the only source of information left was other people and despite being able to question others in that pathetic performance he designed and perfectioned over the span of years, of questioning its philosophical foundations, he soon discovered that his underlying logic -or lack of experience- proved to arise serious suspicions he couldn't risk anymore. And Anna was damaged enough not to serve as an alternative, staying in some intermediate position between him and them, all the rest. He wasn't certain she was able to love either.

He felt suddenly eager to understand if solely the connection between physical proximity and love. Which was yet another topic in which he had the least of experiences.