RED [BXB]

FIFTEEN

Mason was startled awake from his nap by a sharp knock on the door. Disgruntled and confused, he quickly became aware of the ache in his neck as punishment for the position he'd fallen asleep in: hunched over his desk in front of his laptop, attempting to finish his assignments. For a moment, he wasn't sure if someone had actually knocked on the door, or if he had dreamed it, but he received his answer almost instantly when he heard the knock again.

Shooting out of his seat, he sprinted to the door and swung it open, only to be greeted by downturned red lips and mean blue eyes: Zoya. Still attempting to be civil, he offered her a tight, though confused, smile. Before he could even greet her, she interrupted him sharply, "Is Luke here?"

It took him a second to respond, "Uh, no. He isn't."

She scoffed, brushing past him and barging into the room. "Well? Are you gonna tell me where he is?"

Uncomfortable, Mason lingered in the doorway, unsure whether or not he should shut the door—he really didn't wan to be alone with her. Finally, he settled on leaving it open a sliver. "I don't know; I just woke up from a nap. Have you tried texting him?"

She rolled her eyes, as if offended by his suggestion. "Wow, what a brilliant idea! I hadn't thought of that," she replied, voice dripping with sarcasm and nauseating sweetness.

"Okay, you don't have to be such a bitch about it."

Fuming, "Excuse me?"

Mason winced at her high pitched shriek. "Uh, yeah. You're always rude to me, for some reason. I don't know what your problem is, but you could at least try to be civil."

"Oh, yeah? You really don't know what my problem is, Mason?" she questioned aggressively.

"So you do know my name, after all," he jabbed. "If this is about Luke, he told me you knew about it. He said you were okay with it."

"Of course he did," she scoffed.

Mason furrowed his eyebrows, "You're not?"

"Of course I am not okay with my boyfriend banging his roommate! God, why does he always pick them stupid?"

"Wait," Mason was beyond confused. "If you're not okay with it, why do you tell him you are?"

Zoya pursed her lips, averting her eyes away from him. Though she didn't respond, Mason knew the answer: she didn't want to lose him.

In a way, he understood. There was something about Luke that made everyone in his vicinity drop to their knees for him. He was addictive, the way he made people feel. In the short time Mason had spent with him, he had experienced emotions he had never felt before. Truth be told, this was the closest Mason had ever come to accepting who he was. After years of struggle with his identity, all it took was one red-haired demon to soothe Mason's storm.

Zoya had been with Luke for years. If what she felt for him was anywhere near how Mason felt about him, he understood why the fear of losing Luke was so petrifying to her. He understood why she would cling to him with everything in her, why she would do anything to keep him, even strip away her own dignity.

"It's none of my business, but I think you should break up with him."

She narrowed her eyes, "Yeah, you would like that, wouldn't you? Having him all to yourself?"

True. "No. Honestly, this isn't about me. You shouldn't let him get away with treating you like that."

"You don't get it," Zoya's voice was quivering now. He wasn't used to seeing her without the icy glare behind her eyes. "It's complicated."

"Is it, though? You both want different things," he reminded. "You're beautiful, you know. I'm sure you can find someone who can give you what you want."

Though her gaze had softened considerably, Zoya smugly upturned her nose, "I suggest you start minding your own business." She walked out, slamming the door shut behind her.

Startled, Mason fell back into bed, his head between his hands, trying to make sense of what had just happened. Despite himself, he felt awful, guilt crawling its away up his throat and giving him a bad taste in his mouth. It wasn't new, this guilt.

Ever since he had started fooling around wit Luke, he knew it was wrong. Though Luke always reminded him that Zoya knows, doesn't mind, Mason wasn't stupid. He knew all along that her hostility towards him was fueled by jealousy.

It was easy to ignore the feeling, shove it down so deep into himself that he could almost pretend it never existed. Countless times, he had repeated the mantra to convince himself: NotYourFaultNotYourFaultNotYourFault. If she knew, it wasn't his fault. If Luke had told her, it wasn't his fault. It wasn't his relationship, so it wasn't his fault.

All along, though, he knew it was all bullshit. In reality, Zoya wasn't the villain at all. In reality, he was. All his life, he had been nothing but a source of hurt to those around him: his parents, Ethan, Vincent, himself, and now, Zoya.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. That was all he would ever be.

His thoughts attacked him with a force too fast and too vicious for him to keep up. They plunged straight into the pain center of his brain and twisted until he could no longer cope with the aching. He shut his eyes tightly, his hands balling into fists at his sides. Tears brimmed behind his eyelids, but he refused to cry. He had brought this onto himself. He deserved this.

Everything about him was shameful. He would always be the dirty little secret, never good enough to be flaunted and loved and taken on dates. He had nothing to offer but his body. All people ever wanted him for was a quick fix, a fleeting high, a rush of ecstasy. All fast-paced and short-lived, all dirty, animalistic, depraved. Then, they were done with him, and all that would linger is the shame and the regret.

He would never be good enough.

A few minutes, seconds, hours—he couldn't even tell anymore—later, he heard the door squeak open. When he looked up, Luke's smile fell at the apparent disarray written on Mason's face. Concerned, "What's wrong?"

Mason took a deep breath, not trusting himself not to break down into tears, "I can't do this with you anymore."