If You Miss It

33. hard to forget

CHAPTER THIRTY THREE

HARD TO FORGET

—

Dmitri couldn't sleep.

Since the previous night, when Tariq had bolted out of his room and refused to even text him back, he had been a frenzied mess.

It had been so long since he had stayed up all night, he had almost gotten bad at it.

Still, it was okay. He was okay with staying up all night, so as long as the Bad Thoughts didn't plague him the entire time. Of course, he would have given anything to be able to just shut his eyes and go to sleep, but this was okay.

Thinking about Tariq was a good way to spend the night.

Sleep is a better way to spend the night.

For the fifth, or the fiftieth time that night, he opened up his messaging app on his phone, Tariq's contact sitting right at the top, the four messages that Dmitri had sent his way unopened.

dmitri -
i'm not sure if I did something, but if i did do something, i'm sorry

dmitri -
i'm really fucking confused though, please text me back whenever you can

dmitri -
are u okay?

dmitri -
i'm sorry

It had been four hours since the last message, four hours until sunrise.

While he understood why Tariq was scared immediately after kissing him, hell, he was fucking terrified too, he just didn't know what Tariq meant when he had said, 'My ex cheated on me.'

He didn't even know if the kiss was a spur of the moment thing, or if it was genuine.

To Dmitri, it was genuine. It was so much more than genuine, it was seeing all the colours in one night, one touch was enough to make him come undone in the best way possible.

Kissing Tariq was so real and so incredibly raw, and it was the most he had felt in a long time. It was the most safe he had felt in a long time.

Like things would be semi-okay even if his brain wasn't going to be okay, even if it would never be fully okay.

Tariq's touch was reassurance, his lips tasting like the thousands of stories that he told him to distract him when he was falling apart, be it through the phone or in his ears so that the people at work wouldn't hear the curse words left his mouth.

And Dmitri didn't know what he could do to feel those stories on his own lips again.

Closing his eyes for a moment, Dmitri breathed in a deep breath, exhaling only when he was sure that the tears wouldn't spill from his eyes, the ones that he had been holding in since last evening, because what did he do wrong? Did he even do anything wrong?

I should sleep. I should just sleep.

Exactly two minutes of trying to convince himself to go to sleep and failing, he got out of bed, walking all the way to the kitchen. If his mind couldn't convince his body to go to sleep, maybe a glass of water could.

As he filled up a glass of water for himself, the neighbours' voice that was echoing from their kitchen into his own keeping him company, he closed his eyes and stood there.

Stood there in the same position for a total of five seconds, until he heard a small laugh.

Holy shit. Holy fuck, oh my fucking—