spencer reid one-shots

read this when i'm gone - fem!reader

you're gone, and the only thing you left behind was a letter for spencer.

warnings: death, subtle mentions of suicide, lots of grief, lots of angst

word count: 788

a/n: lyrics from "play this when i'm gone" by machine gun kelly & i rearranged the lyrics a bit so it would make sense w the fic. italics are lines from the note. 

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three weeks, six days.

that's how long it had been since the day that changed his life. since he found the note taped to his door.

he had skimmed it once, barely processing its content. he hasn't touched it since, the letter taunting spencer every time he found the will to venture from his bedroom.

he had enough, it was getting to be too much for him. he needed to read it. but he couldn't find the strength to do so. even with his eidetic memory, spencer had blocked out whatever was written from his mind.

sighing angrily to himself, spencer stormed into the living room, collapsing onto the couch as he snatched the letter from the table. he unfolded it carefully, averting his eyes.

taking a deep breath, he looked down and began reading.

spencer,

fuck. he was reading it in your voice. that sweet, gorgeous voice he'd never hear out loud again. his thumb ran over a year stain, he didn't even know if it was yours or his.

i'm writing you this message just so i can say i love you. i'm not going to lie and tell you that it'll be alright. you're the one who knows it won't be.

the first sob. really, it was more of a bitter laugh. god, if you could see the pain on spencer's face right now. the sheer thought of that made spencer wince, internally chastising himself for even thinking about that. he knew better. shaking his head, spencer shifted his attention back to the letter.

i hope you get to go to all the places that I showed you. the places we dreamed of going. go to them, explore them, love them. for me.

spencer's eyes filled with tears, thinking about how passionate you had been about traveling. on one of your first dates, you had talked about how much fun it would be to take your kids around the world. that was the day spencer knew you were the one. or so he thought.

when you were on a case and couldn't be home to hold me, the only thing keeping me going was the thought that i'd get to see you. you told me once that you did the same thing, and i'm sorry i took that from you.

that was one of the things he would miss the most. just the pure excitement of coming home to you at any hour, the simple bliss of falling asleep on the couch with you in his arms. that was spencer's motivation when working cases, and now it was just gone.

part of me doesn't want this cruel world to know you, but i guess it's too late for that. i mean, with job, everything about your life was so public. i can only thank you for shading me from that, for trying to keep me safe.

he had to look away, your dried tears mocking him. this was when everything had gone to shit. he didn't even end up reading the last part of your note that day, instead storming throughout the house to find you.

when he did, it was too fucking late.

just try and keep in mind everything that i told you. and don't forget me, even though that's not possible for you to do.

spencer, everything about me was you. you're my home, my best friend, my love. i'm so sorry that the weight of the world got to best of me, that it took me from you too soon. please understand that this has nothing to do with you, you did everything right and more. this is all on me, there's nothing i could've done to stop this.

he thought that was complete bullshit, but it really wasn't. spencer knew the statistics, he knew the facts and psychology. there truly was nothing that either of you could've done. and that hurt spencer more than you ever could.

i think it's time for me to leave, but i'll never leave you. i promise. keep this to read when i'm gone. please.

i love you so much, spencer reid.

forever & always,

y/n

his eyes were clouded and his mind was hazy. tears endlessly fell from his cheeks, and he lacked the energy to wipe them away.

spencer still refused to accept that this was real life, not some sick and twisted nightmare. he knew it was true, of course. he would just have to do the one thing he was dreading: move on.

obviously it would take time, but things would be okay, right?

wrong. reading the postscript is what destroyed spencer beyond repair.

p.s.: i looked at your pictures so the last thing i did was see you.