Uncalculated | Beomkai

8.

Beomgyu runs and runs wherever his legs would take him, not caring what direction he's running in. By the time that his body signals to him that he's run out of stamina to run any further, he realizes that he ran in the complete opposite direction of his home.

Weary, he slowly saunters in the direction of his home until he catches sight of a small playground across the road. He immediately registers it as the playground near Yeorum's house and trudges across the street and plops onto a swing with a tired sigh. The next few minutes, he just sits in silence, trying to save his remaining stamina and trying his best to ignore the blur of emotions that threaten to overwhelm his mind.

Then, suddenly, a voice cuts through the silence loud and clear:"Beomgyu?? What the hell are you doing here?" 

Yeorum stands in shock when she spots an out-of-breath Beomgyu sitting on one of the swings of the playground near her house. 

"Hey, Yeorum-noona," Beomgyu croaks out. Normally he doesn't seem the least bit exhausted after running long distances, but today his stamina is lower than ever, causing his throat to feel especially dry and his head to throb.

Yeorum stares at Beomgyu with a half-judging, half-concerned look and throws him a bottle of aloe vera, which he deftly catches and immediately gulps down. 

"Damn, you better be thankful that I'm kind enough to offer you my favorite drink I bought for myself only," she sarcastically says to Beomgyu while sitting on the swing next to him. But instead of retorting with an equally sarcastic remark, Beomgyu sits still in silence.

"Yo, Beomgyu, did something actually happen?" Yeorum's concerned now; Beomgyu's never one to miss out on an opportunity to make fun of her unless there was a serious problem.

By now, Beomgyu's breathing has stabilized, even though he seems more drained than his usual self. "Yeah, I guess you could say that..." Yeorum's not exactly sure how to respond, since Beomgyu had never been the type to come to her with any of his problems. While she's happy that Beomgyu trusts her enough, she's also nervous to hear of a problem that even Beomgyu couldn't handle on his own.

"Yeorum-noona..." Beomgyu softly starts speaking before Yeorum can think of anything to say, "Do you think I'm capable of love?" Yeorum is taken aback at his words, and she lets out a slight scoff.

"This is what you're worried sick over? Of course you're capable of love, you dummy," Yeorum laughs, but Beomgyu's expression hardens.

"Noona, I'm being serious right now. What if I told you... that it's impossible for me to feel the emotion of love? From the way you see it, do you think that's true?" Beomgyu turns towards Yeorum, his eyes now pleading for an answer. 

Yeorum pauses to reflect on Beomgyu's questions. Sure, he's always full of biting insults and sarcastic comments to say, but in the beginning especially, Beomgyu really didn't seem to express any emotions in a noticeable way. She's a little confused about what Beomgyu means by it being "impossible" for him to fall in love, but she brushes it off as Beomgyu's insecurity speaking. After all, except for the past few months, Beomgyu has seemed very detached and jaded from everything. Maybe now that he's starting to get used to expressing his emotions, he's feeling worried and uneasy.

"Yeah, Beomgyu," Yeorum starts off. "I'm serious too. If you were the Beomgyu I knew from a year ago, maybe, maybe  I would agree with you that you're too detached to properly give and accept love. Back then, you really seemed closed off, only striving for perfection while completely ignoring your own emotions. But the Beomgyu now? I think that he is, without a doubt, capable of love."

A pause. Then, Yeorum adds, "Just the fact that you're so caught up with these thoughts shows to me that you care. The worry and distress you're feeling is just as real as whatever emotion love is. So I don't think you have anything to be worried about.

Just acknowledge all of the emotions you feel; don't deny them. And naturally, you'll come to learn what love feels like to you."

"...Thanks, Yeorum-noona. I really hope that what you say is true," Beomgyu mumbles in response.

"By the way, what should I do if... I'm not sure if I can accept someone else's love?"

Yeorum thinks she has an idea of who Beomgyu is referring to, but she doesn't comment on it.

Instead, she asks, "Well, are you willing to find out if you can or can't?"

Beomgyu responds with a long silence, then finally, a hesitant "Yes."

"Just take your time with it, then. Do what feels natural for you while thinking about it. But once you do make your decision, make sure you communicate that clearly," Yeorum says simply. Then her phone vibrates, showing a text from her mom. "Oh shit, I forgot that I needed to be home by now. Well, Beomgyu," she pats him on the back after getting up, "Good luck, I believe in you. Do you want any money for a taxi?"

"No, I'm good. Thanks Yeorum-noona, for everything," Beomgyu says, standing up too. "You should get going home now."

"Okay, see you tomorrow!!" She waves as cheerfully as she can as she's running back home. On the other hand, Beomgyu barely musters the energy to start walking towards his house.

27 more minutes until I get home... he thinks in a daze, automatically putting his foot in front of the other in the direction of his house. Talking to Yeorum had comforted him to an extent, but it didn't do much to completely resolve his worries. Especially not when Yeorum didn't know who—or rather, what—Beomgyu was. Still, he appreciated the sentiment and maybe even gained a glimmer of hope from her easygoing words.

As he kept trudging home, Beomgyu couldn't seem to restore his energy—his stamina was completely used up from his spontaneous spur of running from before. Goddammit, he curses in his head, I'm not sure if I can make it home anymore. He could physically feel his body losing functionality slowly with every step.

Then, suddenly, he heard heavy footsteps coming his way. Half-conscious, he looks up to see Yeonjun with a worried expression running his way.

"I'm really sorry, Beomgyu, I know you hate it when I use the location tracker but it was getting so late and Soobin and I were getting worried sick so I just had to come and find you-"

Just then, the edges of Beomgyu's vision starts flashing red, and his body finally collapses into Yeonjun's arms.