Love Never Fails

Chapter 6: Nick

This trip is going to be rough.

It is not just that it hasn't started well. The worst bit after staying up for almost twenty-four hours straight, travelling thousands of kilometres in basically one go and eating bland packaged travel food in the meantime, is also having jet lag.

That's why it's not yet 7am, and I've already ran twelve kilometres in the treadmill after doing some weights. I'm usually an early starter, but not this much. I woke up at 4am, and I simply couldn't sleep anymore. Thankfully I found out about the hotel's gym yesterday, and that it's open the whole twenty-four hours. Otherwise my only other option would have been the Irish remedy for insomnia, and nobody around here needs to see a drunk ministerial servant hitting on the bartender. Or worse, waking up next to him.

Better to keep my head clear. However much I can, though. But neither the sweat nor the music are helping me much today.

To be completely honest, there's much more in my head than just jet lag. Like a lot more. But I keep on ignoring it, thinking that by not thinking about that it will go away. Until suddenly a life-or-death experience puts everything in focus.

And then it starts. A dreaded feeling that everything is ending. The absolute certainty that my life will end here. Now. Again.

I have been here before. I have felt the same. I can't believe it's happening again. I also can't believe it's taken it so long. In fact, I've been waiting for this. Dreading it. I immediately stop the treadmill. I'm already panting for breath, but it's not because of the cardio. It's not exhaustion. It's something else. Again.

I try to think, with the little consciousness I have, as the fear of impending death cuts its way through my veins, on something that is real around me.

I walk away from the treadmill until my back hits the wall. My hands are trembling, but I extend them, touching it. The wall is real. I feel it. My muscles tense. A pain goes from my chest off to my neck and into my arms making all my muscles stiff. I am going to die. I am going to die. I am going to die. Again.

I look up. I would cry for help but no sound comes out of my mouth. My teeth are grinding and I can't breathe. I fall to the floor push myself to the corner slowly. I fall and lay on the floor, my muscles trembling. It feels like today I'll die alone.

I close my eyes. It takes every effort of my mind to do so. I start counting mentally on reverse, slowly. Twenty. Nineteen. Eighteen. Seventeen. Sixteen. Fifteen. My inner voice changes. Someone else's voice counts instead of me.

Fourteen. Thirteen. I gasp for breath, but I can breathe. Twelve. Someone is beside me. Someone is holding my hand looking at me. Eleven. I hold that hand back, still with my eyes closed. Ten. I am able to say words now.

"Nine. Eight." I hear my voice along with that voice. I start seeing a face. "Seven. Six. Five." I recognise the face. I recognise the voice. "Four. Three." My muscles relax as I feel the warmth of his touch. His voice softly counting down with mine. I focus on it. I hear it in my soul. I'm trembling. My whole body is shaking. "Two." I know you. Don't leave me. "One." I met you yesterday. Breathe.

Breathe. I can breathe. Still trembling I open my eyes. The room is still silent, except for the tic-tac of a clock on the wall. I don't care what time it is. All I can see is the ceiling and the neon lights blinding me.

Breathe. I raise my hands in front of me. The tremors are there, I can't keep them still, but I'm better. I put my hands on the floor and push. Weak, but I manage to sit.

Breathe. I look around. There's nobody around me. I can't see colours. It's all gray. But I've been here before. My tremors relax. A cold sweat follows. It runs down my back. I feel sick. And small. And lonely.