The World That Was Mine (Part I & II)

XXIII

I think the worst part about being sad, is when you're not. Those few, sweet moments when you don't feel so empty and hurt. Because you allow yourself for those few short moments to think it will last forever. And when it doesn't it's so painful. It's like your heart being ripped out of your chest. And even worse, you'll do it again. Inevitably, you will do it all again, and put yourself through that pain over and over.

I did that last night. After my undeserved forgiveness towards Emma, I sat with my whole family and watched a movie, and for a second, I thought maybe everything would be alright. Maybe this was a new beginning for me. I had forgiven, but unfortunately not forgotten.

And that became all too clear when I went back to my room. The solitary silence of those four gray walls that forced me to think. That's when it hit me. Well, hit me again. All the sadness and aching that still remained inside me. It existed for my mother, and for Marley, and for Brayden and still for Emma. I thought forgiving her would take some of that away, but it hadn't. I still felt a dull throb in my heart when our eyes met. Her words still stung each time they crossed my mind. I suppose I had to give it time, but truthfully, I'm tired of waiting. For things to get better, for me to get better.

I tried to hide my feelings. I plastered on a fake smile, answered her pointless questions, and when I walked into the kitchen this morning before school, I accepted her small hug and tried not to flinch. I wasn't sure who I was doing it for. It wasn't for me. Ghosts don't do things to please themselves. I wasn't sure if it was for Emma either. Her feelings, though important to me, were not the motivator behind my fake happiness. I think it may have been more of an effort to deceive myself and everyone around me that I truly was as okay as I kept claiming to be.

"You feeling okay Izzy? I mean about school and stuff?" Liam set a bowl of cereal in front of me and leaned on the counter, looking at me with furrowed eyebrows.

Everyone else had seemed to forget about the whole ordeal within minutes of me accepting Emma's apology. They were acting like everything was normal again. Liam had gone back to that sweet concerned brother he played so well. It made me wonder which was the real him. The unwavering loyalist, or the concerned doctor. I couldn't lie and say there wasn't an underlying anger towards him for how quick he had been to defend Emma and go against me. But again, I couldn't expect otherwise. Emma had lived with them all her life. I was just an outsider looking in on their perfect lives.

"I'm okay."

But when? When would I really be okay. I could say it until I was blue in the face but still, it wouldn't be true. No part of me was okay. And not so slowly, I was realizing just how not okay I truly was. I found myself wondering if this was forever. If I would ever be okay. I couldn't help but think not.

"You sure? You seem a little down this morning."

I bit my tongue harshly. Did he really not know why I was 'a little down'. I mean, other than the fact that my sister flat out told me I wasn't her family just a few days ago, I also just got back from my mothers funeral and one of the most traumatic weekends of my life. I believe I was more than 'a little down'. But I didn't say that. Intead, I shrugged and forced a tiny smile.