"I was sick of letting the world run me so I decided to run the world."
~~~
Isabelle Cane was taken from her family at 6 months old, leaving behind 7 older brothers and a twin sister. In the 12 years she's been away, Izzy has faced hardships no chi...
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I have focused on feeling numb for years. When you felt nothing, you were better off. I Had learned that early on. I had mastered the art of burying my emotions. But sometimes it wasn't so easy. Sometimes I didn't feel numb anymore.
Right now, I feel everything. And just as I predicted, all the emotion was drawing me under, pulling at me like an angry tidal wave.
I knew this would happen.
I knew this was coming the second I slipped on that black dress Tyler had found in the attic earlier this week. It was too big. It made my small body look even smaller. The dress drowning me felt like a physical representation of my mental state.
I knew this would happen as we drove through the heart of Brinley. It seemed oddly quiet, solem. It was Sunday. Some would be at church, but most would be with family, thanking the universe that it wasn't them wearing black today.
I knew it would happen even when we were back in Harlan. It had all come crashing down, and it was all my fault. I should have shut my mouth, I should have stayed a ghost.
I knew this would happen. Yet when we stepped out of the car at the church for Moms memorial, I wasn't prepared. A lump settled in my throat, my chest ached with unfelt agony and sadness. It was like everything I had suppressed in my almost 13 years old life was consuming me, taking away my defense. I saw his brown eyes first. He was smiling at me, but it was a sad sympathetic smile.
How can you miss someone you never want to see again? I missed him. I wanted him to come and sit with me, and hold my hand like he had done six months ago. But he wouldn't. I knew that. I knew so many things, yet nothing ever made sense. Words, was all it ever seemed to be.
Logan gently guided me to the front pew we would be sitting in. There was no casket. That had been buried at her funeral. There was a picture of Mom, one that I had seen before. She was smiling, and it was genuine. It was broad and bright. Nothing like I remember. Tyler sat on one side of me, Logan on the other.
Finley sat beside Logan staring at the framed picture. I don't think he had ever seen a picture of her. It made me feel a little better to think he would remember Mom like that. Bright, and genuine. He deserved that much.
The service hasn't started yet. There was a low hum of chatter amongst the crowd, but I was silent. My brothers said nothing to me, and I said nothing to them. It was a cold day for September in Georgia. It seemed to match the occasion well.
"Are you okay Belle?" Logan asked, leaning down to whisper in my ear. I nodded slowly, not finding any word big enough to describe what I was feeling. "If you need anything, I'm right here okay?" Maybe I looked as I felt. Far from okay.
"Thanks." I whispered back. I didn't look at him. I didn't need to see his sympathetic smile. I needed sympathy, I would admit that much, but I wouldn't accept it. Not now. I couldn't accept anyone else's feelings.
