I scrolled through my blog website that I had set up earlier that week, checking for errors and things I needed to fix. I had taken an elective on coding, and had learned just enough to create a simple blog for myself. I clicked on the "Logs" button. My "Logs" are where I share how and why I shut off certain emotions. It starts at the first log I wrote, and the first emotion I shut down. I began to read the log, checking for errors.
"Despair. Age 8, 2015
Incident: Father died recently.
Prescription: Menial tasks , tv and books (nullifying), and internal denial
Notes: I wrote this in a sparkly unicorn notebook when I was eight, spelling things wrong and crying on the page, almost beyond translation. Lucky for my readers, I recently braved the notebook and translated everything back to legible English to post on my blog, fixing my spelling and grammar too. The prescription I wrote later.
Im crying! I don't want to be crying! My daddy is gone and it's christmas-"
Ugh! I can't believe I didn't capitalize the word Christmas! Well, there goes every Christian viewer bringing in advertisement revenue. Although I suppose there aren't many Christians who would be on a site teaching you to suppress your emotions. Anyway, I better fix that and move on.
"and my brother is trying to help but it's not helping! My mom is in the kitchen and I went to check on her and she's gonna cry too! I don't want to cry! Maybe there's a way to not cry. What if there's a way to not cry?! I'm gonna go figure out how to not cry!
So I figured out how to not cry! Turns out, you just have to pretend nothing happened, (at least in your own head, people will try to make you see someone if you tell them it didn't happen) and tv and books, and doing the dishes a lot!
I'm gonna go not cry!"
Oh god. That was a juvenile, horrible thing to proofread, but at least the website will be more polished now that I fixed it. I guess I should proofread the next one. This one was originally typed, and I wrote it when I was eleven. That's when my spelling skills started to kick in, and when I started to become more analytical. That log is just so much more...me
YOU ARE READING
Poison Ivy
General Fiction"Ivy mesram was always a normal, bright eyed kid. That is, until her father passed at a tender age, and she vowed never to feel sadness again, to save herself from the crushing realities of emotion. Over time, she comes to believe that all deaths ar...
