Poison Ivy

Log 2

I read through the second log. Honestly, this was just for nostalgia, I had been strict on editing this one. 

"Humiliation. Age 11, 2017

Incident: Card read aloud.

Prescription: internal denial, logic, projection (thinking someone else should be feeling what you are feeling) neutral facial expression, retaining composure, and a perfect lie "there's no reason to be embarrassed"

Notes: I should have known he was gay.

When I was eight, I began shutting off my emotions. It began December 23, 2014, the day I found out that my father died. That Christmas, instead of playing with my toys like every other kid on the block, I cried in my room, as my mother tried to keep her composure while making Christmas dinner, and my older brother, who was 11 at the time, held me and comforted me. He had always been a wonderful and caring brother, and that day, it showed. However, the sadness was too much for me, and I decided that I couldn't sink into it. I couldn't feel it. So, I decided to figure out how to shut my sadness off. By the time seven days had passed, I had figured it out. It was a combination of internal denial, menial and repetitive tasks, and things like books and tv that could nullify sadness. So I wrote my findings down in a journal. Unfortunately, I was eight, so my writing wasn't as professional as I would have hoped. It was also written in a sparkly pink notebook with unicorns on the cover. Anyway, I wrote a log, and that's what I'm doing here, although hopefully more eloquently than I did at that age.

So let me tell you why I shut off humiliation. I had a crush on a boy in my class named Eathan (yes, that's the spelling). He was my best guy friend, the only guy in my friend group actually, which in hindsight should have been an indication. Anyway, my best friend Celeste knew I liked him, and said that he had been hinting to come to my house a lot lately. I realized that she had a point, and asked her what she thought the significance was. She said she thought he liked me, since he wanted to spend time with me, aside from when he came over once in awhile to play video games with me and my brother. I asked her what she thought I should do, and she said I should ask him to the Valentine's Day dance at school. So I did, because she dared me to. I could never say no to a dare, a rule which I intend to completely disregard from now on.

So my mom took me to the store and got me some paper, lace, and a heart hole punch. I made him a card on Valentine's Day, and put it in his locker, both excited and nervous since my best friend's assessment was no guarantee. When he opened his locker, he opened the card, read it, and his face went from confused, from bewildered, to an expression of pity. He took the card, went into a classroom, and came out without it. Then, one of the class clowns, always funny but not commonly courteous, went into the classroom, coming out with the card. He began to read it out loud in a poor, but comedic imitation of my voice. As he read, students around me snickered and giggled. My best friend walked up to him, stood on her tiptoes to take the note, said "Ugh, you asshole!" And ripped it up. Unfortunately, the damage had been done. It was too late.

The whole school day passed by normally afterward, but it felt like something fundamental had shifted. I realized that if I hadn't been so humiliated, I wouldn't have run off, and instead of being seen as the punchline of a cruel joke, I would have been seen as either a sophisticated person who was above it all by simply going about my day, or as the smart, sassy girl who wasn't afraid to stand up for herself by clapping back. So I decided to shut off humiliation, and within a few days, I realized that internal denial, logic, projection (thinking someone else should be feeling what you are feeling) a neutral facial expression, retaining composure, and a perfect lie "there's no reason to be embarrassed" were highly effective. So the next time I accidentally ask out my gay friend, I'll leave the scenario with my head high."

Honestly, I only had a one log after this one, but all of them would be helpful to my viewers. I didn't have any viewers yet, but I would soon.