ghost of you (luke patterson x oc)

chapter 7

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Luke's words replayed over and over again in my mind. He loves me. 

And I said it back.

The thought should have brought some kind of comfort, I should be over the moon. But I can't help but think back to the last time I said those three words.

Flashback:

"Riley" Jackson said as he took my hands in his. "I love you."

I didn't love him, at least not yet. I wasn't ready and all I could do was stare blankly up at him. "Jack I-"

"What, you don't love me? After all the shit I've done for you, you're gonna tell me you don't love me? Pathetic." he snarled, roughly shoving me away from him. I stumbled back, tears threatening to fall as I tried to regain my composure. 

"I didn't say that, now calm down." I fired back. "Don't EVER tell me to calm down Riley!" he yelled as he took a step closer to me. I took one back, but my back hit the wall with a thud.

Jackson towered over my small frame, growing more and more angry by the second. 

"Of course I love you!" Lie. "I was just surprised to hear you say it out loud." Lie. "Jack, I don't know what'd I'd do without you." Another lie. 

Jackson relaxed at this, and lifted his hand up to cup my jaw. "I knew you felt the same way babe," he whispered before kissing me. 

I kissed back, but there was one thing missing – love.

End Flashback

After our confessions, Luke suggested that I get some rest. I was tucked into his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around my waist as he slept. But I couldn't sleep. It's not that I regret telling Luke I love him, I just don't think I'm the right person for him. Why should he have to deal with all my drama? All the extra baggage that comes with Riley Green, daddy issues n' all. I'm not worth it. He should be focusing on the band, and doing what he loves, instead of being held back by me.

At that thought I attempted to get up, but Luke's arms only tightened around me. "Where you goin'?" he asked, half asleep. "I just need some water, go back to sleep," I said gently. 

I quietly exited the studio and slipped out of the front gate. It was pitch black out, except for the soft glow of the street lamps. I slid my hands in the pocket of my sweatpants, and started walking, unsure of where I'm going. I just need to be alone. 

I walked aimlessly for hours, so numb that I couldn't even feel the tired ache throughout my body. I ended up at the beach and slowly sat down by the water, wincing as a sharp jab of pain came from my ribs. 

I checked the time – 6 am. The sun was just begging to peak over the horizon. I tugged my knees into my chest, resting my chin on my forearms. The waves inched closer and closer to the shore, occasionally hitting the tips of my shoes. 

As the sun rose before me, I couldn't help but feel empty inside. I'm exhausted, but I can't bring myself to sleep. It finally dawned on me that my dad actually hit me. He hit me, and I ran away. But he was right, it was my fault. I shouldn't have gone behind their backs. How stupid was I to think there'd be no consequences? I let out a weak chuckle.

My thoughts grew pretty quiet as I continued to stare, transfixed on the ebb and flow of the waves. The sun had risen by now, and I know I should go back to Julie's. But I stay right where I am. 

I hear a familiar whooshing sound from behind me, and immediately tense up. "Riley." the voice said. I let out a sigh of relief. It's Alex. I don't know what I would've done if it were Luke.

Alex sat beside me, mimicking my position as he watched the waves. "We were all so worried. How long have you been here?" he asked quietly. "Not long" I replied, still not turning to face him. "Don't give me that Ry. What's the truth?"

"Left at 3:30. Got here at 6." I said, shrugging. Alex stood up quickly. "Riley – are you kidding me right now! You need to sleep, or eat, or or- something!"

 I ignored his sudden outburst. "Look at me!" he exclaimed. Now it was my turn. I jumped to my feet, angrily turning to face Alex. 

"Just stop it! You have no idea what it's like Alex, so don't you dare bring that crap to me. Okay? This is how I deal with shit so just LEAVE ME ALONE!" I shoved my hand into his shoulder, forcing him to take a step back. 

Alex's face softened. "What what's like Ry?" 

I collapsed back onto the sand, Alex following suit. "Knowing that you have problems. That you are the problem. I can't take it anymore. I- I ruin everything. It's stupid, I know, but it's the truth." I whispered. "I let things happen to me. I let my dad beat the shit out of me. I let myself get in the way of anything remotely good that happens in my life. I even let my fucking ex take advantage of me! Not even Julie knows about that!" I exclaimed, exasperated. "I just let bad things happen to me, because I'm not strong enough to do anything about it. And now, Luke told me he loves me and I was stupid enough to say it back. It doesn't even matter if I love him. He needs to know I'm not worth it, that he's wasting his time. I'll just end up messing it up and I'll run away, just like I always do. He doesn't deserve that Alex. None of you guys do. And it's all my fault." I sobbed.

Alex looked away, before turning to face me again. He took a deep breath. "After I, you know, told my parents I was gay... my dad he uh. He beat the shit outta me." he said quietly. "Told me I had some kind of disease, that there was something wrong with me. It went on for a while, and I actually started to believe him. I just accepted it, convinced it was my fault. I shut everyone out, and would lash out at everything," he let out a sad laugh as he looked down. "Until Luke and Reggie found out. They helped me through it, helped me find myself again. They accepted me. They're my family, and we're yours now too." 

"Alex, I'm so sorry. I didn't know." I whispered, tears streaming down my face. He pulled me into a hug, the two of us crying silent tears as we took in each other's comfort. 

"You're gonna get through this," he spoke into my shoulder before pulling away. "And you deserve to be with Luke. You two are meant for each other." 

I gave him a soft smile. "C'mon. Let's get back to our family shall we?" Alex said, pulling me up from the sand. 

"We shall" I giggled. "Hey 'Lex?" "Hm?"

"Thank you."

Sorry it took so long to update!! 

School's been crazy since break ended, but more chapters coming soon! Unsaid Emily is next :)

- mands