Always Doesn't Mean Forever: Book 3(Severus Snape/student)

Chapter 3: I Don't Expect You To Understand

Alex's P.O.V.

        "No!!!" But it was too late. His body was falling. What seemed to be endlessly, it was falling. No longer carrying his soul within. Just the body that housed the brilliance. My mouth suddenly felt dry. My throat burned, it was then I realized I was screaming. My body felt heavier than usual. Like the weight of the world had suddenly dropped on my shoulders. Not only was he gone, but everything changed. Everything I knew. Everything I loved. I watched my world crumble around me. Somewhere in the distance there were flames. A crazed cackle. Sparks from a wand. Screaming. Both light and dark seemed to burst in the sky. Ragged breathing. Everything seemed to move in the perfect motion of chaos and destruction.

        I woke with both a start and a scream. I could feel my hair and my clothes sticking to my sweating, shaking body. Once again I saw Grandfather die. You'd think once would be enough. But no, every night I'm plagued with his lifeless body in my dreams. As I glanced at the clock I noticed it was eight in the morning. Well, suppose for once the nightmares were a blessing. I needed to be up by now anyways. I needed time to prepare for my return to school. The place I call home... or did. It's nothing like it was. I can tell that much from the pictures in the paper. Not only was it now crawling with Death Eaters, but it was no longer Hogwarts. Not really. Hogwarts was a place to be safe. Hogwarts was home. Now its just a cruel reminder of what used to be.

        I knew this would be the hardest year of my life. For this year our new Headmaster would be no other than the man I hated to love. Severus. Would he have heard by now? That I was returning? would he have Death Eaters waiting at the door to take me to Tom? Would I be tortured? Would I be walking to my death? I don't know. What I do know is, I have to go back. I have to continue my duties. I have to help. I have to get answers.

        There was a knock at the door followed by my favorite voice. It broke my heart when I heard that same voice slightly falter as Dad spoke. "Chipmunk..? You awake? You'll need to be getting ready..." I knew I was breaking his heart. I knew the sudden extra abundance of grey hairs was mostly caused by me.

        "Yeah Dad. I'm awake." I called lowly. "I'll be out in just a sec."

        "Alright... I have breakfast ready." With that I heard him walk away. A few tears crept into my eyes, but I quickly blinked them back. Now wasn't the time. Plus, I'd grown tired of crying. I'd grown tired of everything. As I got up and stretched my arms over my head, I couldn't help the wince that came with the pop in my bad shoulder. The one I'd taken a spell on in the Department of Mysteries. It had never quite been the same, but these days it only seemed to get worse. Just like everything else.

        With sullen heart I slowly walked out of my room to see Dad at the kitchen table, looking just as upset. "Dad... please I-"

        "We've discussed this Alex. I'm not going to change your mind, I know that, but it doesn't mean I will be happy about it."

        "I understand.." I mumbled as I sat down in front of my breakfast, suddenly feeling as if I may be sick.

        "You know what's going to happen don't you?" He said trying to hold a face of authority, but his voice betraying him as it faltered.

        "I have a feeling, yes."

        "And you're still wiling to do this?"

        "I have to."

        "No you don't."

        "Yes, I do. I don't expect you to understand."

        "Good because I don't."

        "I know." I replied as I took a small bite of my eggs. We sat in silence for a long time. I ate slowly. Trying not to think about much of anything. Suddenly there was a bang as Dad slammed his fist on the table causing my juice to fall over and spill.

        "Do you not understand they will kill you?!" He yelled.

        "No they won't." I replied calmly.

        "And what makes you think that?! What is going through your head?!" Those words... I'd heard them the same night I joined the Order... Only they were from.. Severus.

        "They want me. They won't kill me. I'm not saying they won't torture me, but they want my help. They aren't going to kill me."

        "And when you refuse?!" He said even more outraged.

        "Do you think I'm going into this without a plan for every possible scenario?" Dad sat quietly for a few moments before standing up and walking to his room. I sighed and cleaned the dishes before walking to my room to finish packing.

        An hour passed and it was time to head to King's Cross. I stood by the door waiting to see if Dad was coming. When i was five minutes late already I gave up. He wasn't coming. I guess.. this earlier was our goodbye... I hoped I would see him again... With one last look around I apparated to an alley near the station. I looked over to the station and it broke my heart. The normal buzz of excitement of people both entering and leaving was gone. It was depressing... Like everything else these days.

        After the short walk and getting my ticket I once again faced the wall that had been so magical to me all those years ago. Now, nothing filled me but dread for what would happen after I stepped across that boundary. This time alone. I'd lost everyone and I was going to a place I was no longer welcome. The emptiness that seemed to fill my heart was almost too much. For a single moment I considered turning back. Waling away from all of this. Walking away form the Wizarding World. But I couldn't. I knew what I had to do. While Harry, Ron, and Hermione were out fighting to bring this war to an end there was a shortage of people protecting the home front. We no longer had Grandfather and when it seemed there was nothing he could do the trio always rose up to the occasion, but with them gone there are only a handful of people protecting the students. The innocents. I couldn't make that number even smaller by turning away from something I had a part in before I was even born. With a deep breath and closed eyes I ran through the wall to the other side. My heart dropped when I saw how few people were there. I knew a lot of people would no be returning but this... wow.

        With another deep breath I held my trunk firmly and walked toward the train. "Alex! Alex Wait!" I heard that familiar voice call. I turned around quickly.

        "Dad!" I yelled when I saw him running towards me. When he reached me, Dad grabbed me and wrapped me up in a tight hug. His breathing was heavy and he had tears streaming down his face.

        "You can't just... just leave like that... Merlin I thought I was going to be too late." I held onto him tightly and let my tears flow.

        "I didn't think you wanted to see me... you were so mad." He puled back and looked me dead in the eyes.

        "Yes, I was mad. Yes, I am scared, but that doesn't mean you aren't my daughter and that I don't still love you Alex! I'm terrified okay?! I'm terrified I will never see you again. I haven't slept in weeks. I'm sick to my stomach all the time because I can't stop thinking about what they are capable of and what they'll do to you."

        "I'm going to make it Dad. I promise you will see me again. I'll be back I promise." I assured him as I cried harder. He nodded a little and held me tightly again. We stayed like that for several moments before I pulled back. "I have to go... The train will be departing soon. I love you Dad. So much. I promise I'll be back. I'm not going to die on you. I can do this. I promise."

        "Please be careful, Alex. Write me everyday. Stay safe, love." With that he gave me a kiss on the forehead and stepped back.

        "I will." Was all I said before picking up my trunk and walking to the train. I found a cart that was empty and got in then quickly locked the door. This would be a long semester.