Always Doesn't Mean Forever: Book 3(Severus Snape/student)

Chapter 9: A Speck Of White

Darkness has always been were I've felt safest. Complete darkness. Nothing can get to you here. They can do whatever they want to you on the outside, but they can't get through the darkness. No one can. I don't want to leave this time. I don't want to do it anymore.I want to stay here forever. Most people would be safer. If i did. Everyone would be safer if I never left here.

"You're right of course," I jumped and looked through the darkness. I saw no one, but I knew that voice. "They would be safer. Severus, Remus, Tonks. All of them. But the Wizarding World would be in great danger." I kept turning in all directions. Were was he. Grandfather... I could hear him. It was him.

"Where are you?!" I cried helplessly.

"Remember little one, no one can get through the darkness." By the second I grew more frustrated.

"I know you can!"

"If I can, why can't anyone else?" He always wanted to play games. His riddles were insufferable. Especially now. I needed to see him. I needed him to tell me what to do. Hot tears filled my eyes.

"Damn it, I'm tired of the games! Just please..." A moment later there was a small white light. It got closer and closer until i could see a white figure in the shape of a man. AS the man slowly walked closer I recognized my grandfather. But a different version. He looked younger. Healthier. happier. More relaxed. He looked at peace. He was clothed in all white with a long white cloak and white robes. His beard was as long as ever and smoothly laid down. He looked amazing. "Grandfather.."

"Yes, dear." I ran to him quickly an wrapped him in a tight hug.

"I thought I'd never see you again." Tears poured from my eyes as I buried my face in his robes.

"Well, you should have known better than that," he chuckled and hugged me back. "I'm always with you, dear. Every step of the way. You are never alone. Though it may feel that way".

"I'm not sure I can do this anymore." I cried into his robes. "I thought... I thought I would be fine. But it's never fine. People are dying. Students are dying within the walls of Hogwarts. This is never going to end."

"Everything comes to an end, my dear." He patted my back and pulled me back from him.

"What if I want to end?" I asked, staring at the ground.

"Well, I suppose that can only be left up to you, Alex. You could. But you must remember, for every action there are consequences."

"Yes, I know. I'm vital to the Wizarding World. They need me for the war. I know, grandfather."

"Those are not the only consequences. Severus... Could he finish what he's been tasked with if you decided to never go back? Maybe. Or he may throw himself on a blade. Do you know which one it will be?"

"Don't talk about him like that. He'd never do that."

"No? Let's take a look at Severus right now." Grandfather closed his eyes and put his hand over his head. He slowly pulled his hand away and pushed it forward i one swift motion. A large image appeared. There were muffled voices before i could hear what was happening. I saw Dad sitting on the couch at Spinner's End. His head was in his hands and he Tonks was bringing him tea. The image moved down Severus's hallways and into his room. Severus was laid on his side on the bed. He slowly wiped my forehead and cheeks with a small damp towel. He spoke quietly.

"Take all the time you need, my love. Come back to me stronger. Or come back to me broken into a million pieces. Just please... come back."

"How long have a i been there?" I asked grandfather without looking away from the image.

"You spent a two weeks at St. Mungos. This is your third week here. So a bit over a month. Remus watches you while Severus is at school. Hew tired taking you home, but Severus refused."

"Sounds about right." Severus ran the little rag down my arms and over my face again before setting on his bedside table. He placed a small kiss on my forehead and sat up. He stared at the wall for a long time before tears started flowing down his cheeks heavily. He looked over my body. There were more scars. He traced one long jagged scar up my leg and said:

"One". He traced a small one on my ankle. "Two". Then a deep scar on my arm. "three."

"What is he doing?" I asked.

Grandfather sighed, "He's counting every scar he put on you the last time. He does this every single day.

"Why?"

"To try and see if there are any he's put on you that he doesn't now about."

"I get that, but why?"

"Watch." I gave Grandfather a puzzled look and turned back to Severus. He slowly made his way off the bed and put up a silencing charm around the room. He kept saying the 'eleven' over and over again. Severus knelt and grabbed something from under his bed. It was almost like a whip. He sat it on the bed and stood back straight with his back to us. He unbuttoned his robes and let the top layer fall to the ground. I felt my stomach twisting. There were wounds. Awful skinny lacerations across his back. Some were fresh. Some were scars. They stretched across his back. What has he done... Severus looked over to the whip trembling. He stood in front of a tall mirror and grabbed the whip with a firm grip. He looked at himself on the mirror and lashed himself across the back as hard as he could. He cried out in pain as a fresh cut stretched across his back.

"Severus no!" He cracked it again across his back firmly. "Stop it!" The image disappeared.

"He can't hear you. Not from here." I paced for a moment and looked to Grandfather.

"Why is he doing that?"

"He's punishing himself. For hurting you."

"That's ridiculous!"

"War changes people, Alex. Every time Severus has hurt you he's chipped away another part of his soul. Severus was not a whole man before you met him, Alex. What you've experienced is a fraction of what Severus has seen. You need to remember that in these times. He's hung on. A lot of times just for you. You owe him the same." I nodded and looked past him.

"How do I get back?"

"That's up to you, I suppose. But now I must leave you."

"Why? You haven't been here long. I have more questions." Grandfather rubbed my cheek and kissed my forehead.

"The answers to which, you will soon find. Goodbye, dear." He turned and walked away. Through the darkness until he was only a speck of white. Then he was gone.