Things We Can't Say

25: don't be sad, just eat chocolate.

I'm not sure how much time passes as I sit there in the living room, unmoving. Though my body's still, my mind is spinning, trying to make sense of everything that just happened, replaying the moment Jamie's face flickered towards disbelief, towards shock, towards pain.

    The worst part is I can't blame him. I saw the fault line a long time ago, even bore it further into the earth. Now the rift has finally cracked open, swallowing all of our shaky progress within its gaping mouth. As bad I want to, it's not something I can just fix overnight.

    Slowly, painfully, I come around, my consciousness returning to the here and now as if I'm rousing from a dream. The living room is dark save for a floor lamp shedding a circle of gold light. Voices trail in from the kitchen, Kazue's and Nat's. Lucci isn't here, either; I must not have noticed him get up.

    A door squeals open, and Nat pokes her head in from the kitchen, meeting my eyes. A wave of warm sympathy passes her face, her eyebrows lifting. She steps into the room, sliding the door shut behind her and rummaging around in the corner for something.

    A moment later, she kneels, dropping a wool blanket around my shoulders. Her voice is the softest I've ever heard it as she asks, "How are you doing?"

    I hug the blanket close around my shoulders. I'm cold, but something about it is comforting anyway, its weight on my back almost like an embrace. "Not good," I whisper. My voice is gone, like I haven't drank water in days. "I want to go talk to him, Nat. But I just don't think he'd listen to what I have to say."

    "Right now?" Nat says, settling on the floor across from me. "No, he almost certainly wouldn't."

    I wince. I don't know why I expected her to sugarcoat it.

    "You have to think about this from Jamie's point of view," Nat tells me, holding out her palm. It takes me a second to realize what she's asking for, but I place my hand in hers. "You've broken his trust, Violet, whether you meant well or not. He's hurt. He probably feels taken advantage of, even. He needs some space and some time to work all of that out."

    My face is hot with shame, but Nat's so unusually calm, her fingers stroking the lines of my palm, that I feel the burning start to cool off, if only a little.

    "Nat."

    "Hm?"

    Tears sting behind my eyes, but I blink them away. "Do you think he'll ever forgive me?"

    At that, Nat flicks my palm sharply with her thumb and index finger. It hurts more than I would have expected. "Idiot," Nat grumbles. "You're his sister, the only one he's got. That always counts for something, doesn't it?"

    The kitchen door opens again, and Kazue appears, a gentle grin on her face that puffs her already round cheeks. "You'll be alright, Violet," she says, leaning back against the wall. "Both of you. Just give it time."

    Time. The problem is, I'm not sure how much of that we have left.

    "Thank you," I tell them both, hugging the blanket even tighter. "Not just for...saying that, but for letting us stay here, for healing us, for everything. Thank you guys."

    "Please," Kazue says with a roll of her eyes. "It's been a pleasure having you here."

    Nat adds, "For the most part."

    "Nat."

    "Did you guys see where Lucci ran off to, by any chance?" I interrupt, before Kazue can set to scolding her wife. Though the inky darkness beyond the window suggests the night is far from young, I can't bear to sit still any longer. My nerves are waking up one by one, ordering me to move, to shake off the shock and do something about it. "I need to talk to him."