My thoughts on life.

January 24 2021

We all have our demons. Live with them on a daily basis. Pretend that everything is fine when in reality everything could be falling apart at this very moment. Life is so shitty, I am not even saying this for myself. My life is too perfect and it bothers me so much how I am never satisfied with it. So many people would kill to have my life but somehow I feel as if it is too good to be true. I am no more deserving than any person out there to have such an amazing life. I have everything I could ever want or need but somehow I am not satisfied. People are out there suffering from abusive parents and poverty while I have everything.

What did I do to deserve this? People deserve so much better than what they have. People shouldn't be abused because of what gender or sexuality they choose to identify with. Its like I have everything but nothing at the same time. I have everything but the power to help others. It just bothers me so much when I know what is happening or what I could've done but I did nothing at all. It sucks that all you can do is be there and watch as people suffer through the shit that gets thrown at them. I am honestly just waiting for my life to fall apart. I hate who I am sometimes and it isn't even because of who I am. It's just the fact that I downgrade who I am and lower my own self esteem because I can. People have parents hate them because of who they are and here I am hating myself. The family is suffocating at times and it's so perfect. It's what you would call the American Dream except for the fact that we aren't American. 

It is weird to feel bad for living your life but I can't help what I feel no matter how much I want to. I like to use the phrase my heart is too big for my body. I give my time and advice to people not expecting anything in return but somehow I am ok with that. I push down my problems to help others, maybe that's my safe haven. A place where I can escape the reality of who I am and just focus on other people's problems. Maybe that makes me selfish for wanting other people to have problems just so they can come to me for help. It has always been easier to help others than yourself. Convincing other people that everything will get better is so much easier than convincing yourself. We live in the kind of world where nice people get taken advantage of and they always seem to get hurt when they just want to help. People may not even realize how much they are hurting them. 

I am only 13 but I understand a lot more than you might think. Hell, I wish that I was a kid again, a time where I didn't overthink, hate myself, doubt myself and when I still believed that the world was a good place and everyone had a nice family. I have a nice family but I feel bad for other who don't.It's hard to vent to someone when you can't explain what you feel. They could never understand why I feel guilty just living my life on a day to day basis. I have no issues and for some messed up reason that bothers me. I need a reason to feel sad or like the world is falling apart because if I don't I feel the same things everyday. It's not necessarily a feeling of happiness because these thoughts always linger at the back of my mind. That's why being alone is scary, no one to have a conversation with to distract you from the thoughts that threaten to consume the very ground you stand on. One day when someone will finally understand why I am how I am and they will realize that there is more to the smile then you could possibly know. Even if I tell someone this they would just say "oh you can get better or " don't feel guilty just enjoy your life."

 I think that is the root of the problem. I don't share my problems with people because they probably won't understand it. Coming from someone who constantly is there for other people and has experience in helping people in all types of situations kind of makes you expect what they are going to say to try to make you feel better about life. I mean I really appreciate it but I highly doubt hearing it from someone else other than myself will help very much. I don't even know why I became such an over thinker and started to question the very life I live but it happened. It happened and there's nothing I or anyone else can do about it. Everyday passes and more doubt just pops up in my head. I really don't know if anyone notices how I feel. My friend did but that was when I just missed how things were. I missed my grandfather and my youth group. These things happened almost 5 months ago and the fact that I can't over it and move on is annoying me. I get that some days are worse than others but I really want to move on. I want to pretend that everything is fine because facing your problems is too much to bear sometimes. I miss life a lot and I miss who I was before the pandemic. I guess the pandemic made me realize that I was selfish before for wanting more in life and not even realizing what shit other people go through. 

I guess the new me is trying to fix what old me was. I was told I was too nice in grade 5. I unknowingly reacted to that and changed for middle school. I became less nice and more like other people so that I wouldn't allow myself to get hurt. I think that no matter how much I try that niceness will always come back to me. Though from what I've learned nice people get taken advantage of. They get hurt because people think that they can just pull themselves back together and move on. They think nice people can just be used for their niceness because that's all what they are good for. I'm trying to change though because I want to try to be myself even if I get hurt. If I am myself and I do get hurt at least I know that they don't like the real me and I am ok with that.

Please love yourself and talk to someone if you feel like this.