My thoughts on life.

January 28, 2021

You know that feeling when you think the whole world is against you but in reality, one small minor bad thing happened at it just seems to be the one thing that ruins the facade you seemed to be building the past few months. The facade of being ok, pretending like you are just feeling a little bit down and that you are actually doing better now. The facade that you set in place to try and convince yourself that you were fine, that you were getting better. The facade that you put up so that no one could ever see through it. Something so minor can just completely destroy the fact that you thought you were getting better but in reality, you are just as fucked up as you thought you were. 

You are just that broken little girl that wishes that she could stop pretending that she was fine and that actually trusted someone enough to tell them what she really felt. That she could tell someone that she actually looks forward tonight because that's the only time she gets to cry her heart out without anyone in the world judging her. The only time that she can suffer and be herself. The times she can just lie there in the dark drowning in self-pity and hatred. When in reality all she wants to do is love herself but why is it so hard when that's the thing you are trying to do. When you feel like no one could understand what you feel because they don't feel what I feel. It just feels wrong sometimes. I am blessed with the dream life and somehow I am not happy. 

Somehow despite all the love and happiness in my life, I am still broken. There's no one who ever hurt me, I am broken because of myself. There's no one to blame for my state of mind but myself. For all the times I overthink and make everything seem like it's my fault but in reality, it isn't. For feeling the need to apologize when it isn't even necessary. For feeling overwhelming guilt for everything but nothing at the same time. For wanting something I can't have. For trying to finally put me first before other people and end up just thinking that I am selfish because either people need me more. Thinking that I had gotten past that hard time in my life when all I looked forward to was crying my heart out. 

In some ways, I have overcome it but in other ways, it still continues to affect me. I no longer feel useless, I have things to do now and don't feel useless like I did before. The empty feeling that I had still lingered from time to time but it's not as bad as before. I guess I have gotten better but I still continue living every day with negative thoughts in the back of my mind. In the end, the goal is to always love yourself. Take me for example I can't fully love myself yet but I'm working on it and you should too. I hope one day you all will love who you are and are able to share that love with others.