My thoughts on life.

February 14 2021

Loneliness is something interesting, some days you just crave it. You want to just be by yourself without having to explain your reason for existence when you don't even know it yourself. To not bear the weight of the life you live and too just be yourself without putting up the mask that everyone sees. Being able to go outside at midnight to just savour the peace of the night without someone else asking you what you are doing and honestly you don't even know. Just wanting to be alone to be even if the thoughts will swallow you whole. Even if you have loved ones sometimes being alone brings something else. On other days you just want to be with someone so that they can pick you up and dry your tears when you can't anymore. They can hug you and whisper comforting things into your ear when you truly hate yourself. It's ironic that I 'm talking about loneliness on Valentine's day but I can't help it. The holiday isn't even what made me lonely. It's just someday I want someone to hug me without me having to ask because they know that I am just struggling by one look at my face. I want someone to understand me without me having to say anything. I want someone to be there for me when I am tired of being there for everyone else. I want someone who will love me for me. Who would think that I have enough qualities to make me someone special to them. I have so many friends and a loving family and maybe wanting someone like that when I already have so much is being selfish. I want to feel like I can want or do something for myself without feeling like shit. I want to be able to receive money on Chinese New year without thinking that I am undeserving. I want people to think that I am not spoiled because when I say how much money I have they just know that I am spoiled. I don't want to be though, I don't want to gain money for just being alive. My existence isn't worth money, that's why I started to feel guilty that I get so much when other people don't get anything. I don't want materialistic things, I want someone who would love me for me. No matter how much money I have I will always feel bad for getting money that I didn't work hard for. I want to be able to reiee a birthday present without feeling like someone else deserved it more. I don't need gifts or money but some people do. Some people barely even get money to eat but here I am getting it like it's nothing. People just don't understand it, when I ask them not to get me anything and donate to charity that just says to accept what I am given. I don't deserve what I have more than anyone else in this world. Of course I am so thankful for all that I have but I don't need it and sometimes I don't want it. But I've learned that something you want never gets fulfilled because we live in a world where you do things you don't like because that's how you survive. We put up masks everyday in hopes that no one sees how much we are hurting inside, because that's the cold hard truth. We can't be ourselves because other people think it's ok to ridicule them, because of who they are when it's not even in their control. Especially parents, why do you feel like it's ok to abuse your children, you should love, you gave them life. Abusing your child for what they choose to identify with is not even something that you can control. They can't choose to not like the same gender or to force themselves to not feel like they are living in the wrong body. They can't choose how they feel and why would you judge them for something that isn't their fault. No one deserves this.