The Healer In the Woods

Nothing To Prove

I nodded. "I need to do this though. I need to let my father know that I'm still alive, and that I don't need him. That I've never needed him. All he's ever done is buy me stuff, things I never asked for, never wanted. He never loved me. I think he thought he could buy my loyalty, but I never want to be involved in the things he's doing, and I never want to be like him.",

《《◇》》

"Does it really matter if he knows? If he never loved you, as you say, will he even care?"

I stared into the darkness, trying to figure out why it did matter. But I had no answer. I didn't know why it was so important to me. Maybe I was setting myself up for something worse than what I'd already been through. Maybe I would be sorry if I went through with this plan to show up on his doorstep.

"It seems to me, young man, that the one who should matter has been put on the back burner, while you chase after this unnecessary need for self satisfaction."

I opened my mouth, planning to speak, but then I quickly closed it. I really didn't know how to reply to that.

"You don't have a single thing to prove to him, Taehyung."

I remained quiet, waiting to see what else she would say. I was curious about her advice, seeing as how she was an old woman, and was more experienced in life than I was.

"Your father was most likely overcompensating, because your mother left. You may find it hard to believe, but I'm sure he felt guilty about that. I'm not saying he was a good person. I'm just saying he knew he was doing wrong by you. Sometimes, even parents don't know what the right thing to do is."

I shook my head, not sure I wanted to believe her.

"Taehyung, I'm not saying that your father loved you, or that he didn't love you. I'm saying he did the only thing he knew how to do. He spent money on you, because it's what he had to give you. Maybe that's the only way he knew how to show love. Maybe that's why your mother left."

I swallowed, the lump in my throat sitting there like bitter coffee.

"But why did she leave me with him then?"

Halmeoni took a deep breath, staring straight ahead, the rain coming down harder in the inky blackness surrounding us as the wipers squeaked keeping up with clearing the window.

"Because she loved you, Taehyung. She loved you enough to leave you with a man who didn't know how to love, and she had faith that because of that, you would learn how to love with your whole heart, unconditionally."

My heart pounded in my chest, my mind trying to make sense of what she was saying.

"I could have learned that with her. She didn't have to leave me with him. He wasn't a good person..."

"Which is exactly why you are a good person. He taught you how not to be. Your mother knew she wasn't going to be around to take care of you, she couldn't have brought you with her if she wanted to. She was broken, dear, and she only knew of one way to make it better. She knew you'd be strong, stronger than she was. Mothers know these things."

I could feel the tears stinging my eyes as I let her words sink in, and my heart twisted at the thought of my mother suffering, of her being unhappy with my father. Why hadn't that thought ever crossed my mind.

I only ever assumed she hadn't wanted me. I had never considered the fact that maybe she did, but knew she could never care for me the way I'd need.

I couldn't say I missed her, because I didn't remember her. But I missed having a mom. I was always jealous of the other kids who had moms.

"Taehyung, maybe I'm grasping at straws, I could be wrong about all of it. You don't have to take my words as the truth. But trust me when I tell you this. You don't have to go to your father for anything. You don't need him, and he already knows it. Going back and telling him isn't going to solve anything. You'll only be telling him something he's known for awhile now."