A Gay Vibe From Me?

Chapter 15

Almost as if she's done it before, the blonde automatically swallows the moan coming from the back of her boss' mouth as their first kiss begins to deepen. Olivia's left hand has been placed atop Amanda's thigh; her right hand joins in synchronicity to cup her scapula. It's only a few moments in, but Olivia is panting with desire, and draws the blonde as close to her own body as physically possible. "I want more," Olivia huffs, brown eyes peeking open with desire. "I want you inside of me." Amanda is nearly crawling out of her skin at this surprising admission, and begins to tug on the older woman's thick, dark hair in response. "I need you, Liv," Amanda whispers, feeling totally confident in this declaration.

Somehow, Amanda's characteristic response pulls Olivia back into reality. The older woman rapidly jerks both hands away from Amanda, and pulls away in shame.

"Wow...Amanda, I am so sorry...I don't know what came over me," she whimpers.

The blonde confusedly sits upright and gazes forward, penetrating into her boss' dark, complex eyes. Puzzled, and noting the seriousness in Olivia's face, she frowns. "Liv? Are you okay? This isn't a bad thing that we're doing."

"I'm sorry, Amanda. I can't do this."

Amanda pauses. It's like her world is crashing down around her, and she's the only one who seems to notice it. Words continue to fly out of Olivia's mouth, yet all Amanda can hear is muffled sounds, with a brief mention of "IAB" and "HR." Not only is her hearing compromised her vision begins to fade away as tears well inside her shiny, cobalt eyes. Amanda desperately attempts to search the depths of her mind to recall another time where she has felt this particular type of pain. Why would Olivia give so much of herself, so intimately, just to take it away this quickly? The rejection, the embarrassment, and the shame come bubbling up to the back of her throat at a rapid speed, until Amanda is brought back to the present herself to search for, in a hazy view, the nearest trash can.

"Amanda! Amanda! Oh my god, are you alright?" Olivia exclaims, bent down beside the ill woman, holding back her hair for what seems like too soon again. As soon as she comes to realize where she is, and who is next to her, Amanda retches into the kitchen trash can yet again. "Lieutenant..." Amanda states coldly, in a scratchy, sore voice, "I think it's time for you to go." Olivia shakes her head back and forth in protest, eyes wide with fear. As the brunette gets to her feet and walks toward the cupboard to retrieve a glass of water for the suffering woman, she firmly states, as if she hadn't even considered this, "I'm not leaving you, Amanda."

Amanda takes a sip of water and wipes the beads of sick sweat off of her forehead. Frannie is sitting in between the two women now back on the tiled floor, with her head in Amanda's lap, peering up at her distressed owner with eyes only Amanda can read. "Olivia, I'm fine. Please, just go."

"Amanda. You're having nightmares and flashbacks and you just got violently ill, I am not leaving. I'm so sorry, how could I have been so careless, so stupid"

She cuts herself off after she sees the look in Amanda's eyes.

"Come on, 'Manda," Olivia pleads, as she stands up. "Let's get you back up to the couch, I'll get a cold wash cloth and some more water and..."

"Olivia," Amanda states, with a hint of anger in her voice. "Please just get the fuck out of my apartment." Olivia bites her lip for a moment, a nervous habit she's held onto for too long. "No."

"No?" Amanda questions.

"Amanda," Olivia states with conviction, as she stares down at this pitiful and beautiful blonde, "I'm scared, okay? I'm a Lieutenant for the NYPD, I've been through so much...so much worse than this but...I'm scared. I'm scared of you, I'm scared of us, I'm scared of being hurt...I'm petrified, Amanda. I'm just petrified." Olivia begins to pace back and forth at this point, which suggests to Frannie that she's welcome to start walking with her, nearly knocking her over.

Olivia lets out an "UGH!" and sits down next to her pale, sick employee back on the hard floor. Both of their backs feel cool against the kitchen cabinets. The moon peeks through the clouds and gives a bright, but eerie feeling to the kitchen. There is silence. Amanda is still perplexed by her boss' blatant refusal to respect her boundary, and lets out an exasperated sigh.

"Look, Amanda," Olivia sighs. "This is more than sex to me. This is more than lust to me. This is more than a crush. I don't hook up with people. I don't even like many people. When I kiss somebody, it's because I need something more. Something to build on. A relationship, a real relationship. When I kiss you, with so much at risk, it's because I love you." Amanda doesn't think that Olivia notices how wide her eyes get at this moment. The brunette continues, "it's not like I could write a book on healthy relationships. In fact, I could probably write the opposite. I am by no means an expert but what I do know is that I have so much love in my heart, it gets me in trouble. For the past fifty years, I've given that love to people I thought were worthy. And now, you're here, sitting next to me, and I haven't been more sure of anything in my life, that you're the only one who is truly worthy. That scares the shit out of me, that I love you, and I sure as hell know that you love me. I can see it in your eyes. But what if it doesn't work out? I am a detective. Once you date me, nothing you do will ever be sacred again. I will observe your every move. I'm going to notice how hot you look when you drive how sexy you can make turning a corner look. I'll count your freckles, and birthmarks, and pick the dead skin off of your body after you get sunburned. Can you imagine trying to forget all of that if it doesn't work out? I'm sorry, I'm just so scared."

More silence.

"But, and if you tell anyone this - I'll never forgive you - I'm scared of a lot of things. I think I'm finally starting to realize that fear isn't a good reason to not do something you want with all of your heart and soul."

The rollercoaster of emotions Amanda has been feeling up until this point suddenly melt away. She knows, in her heart, and in her bones, that this is who she is meant to be with more than ever before. Amanda gives a weak chuckle. "I had no idea you were such a poet, Liv."

"Me neither. You must bring it out in me," Olivia says with pink cheeks as she brushes the hair out of her face.

"So what now?" Amanda asks. "Now that you know I love you, and everything."