Still Unknown

JAN 1

Journal.

It's hard for me to put it out there, but i want to seal these emotions to this "book" it's the collection of my youth after all.

This is not a cry of help but a honest reflection of sentiments, I'm done bottling up emotions inside and that caused me who i am today.

1/1/21

I had three emotional breakdowns today 8:51 pm humabol pa ung isa , generally most of my breakdowns are unintentional like if i watch a scene from the drama and it hits right on spot it will change my mood. I don't want to make a big deal of my emotions bcuz some had it worse , i have a room to sleep ,many food to eat and im fucking grateful however if I'm gonna keep dismissing my emotions as if nothing happened then that would just invalidate my emotions and I don't want that... And that concludes me to my third breakdown, friends. I have friends not many many but enough for me to not live on my own. However i don't have a friend that a friend to me that way. I can't explain it my friends has there special friends their ride or die... They are "considerably" my ride or die but I'm not theirs... Times like this i felt so alone and unlove for many wrong reasons, I've never had a friend whom I don't double think what i share to them a friend who fully knew me and a friend to me alone. If i die theres not a friend who would be devastated that her best friend died no one would even know what song I'd want to play for my funeral. And I'm sad that all my little things are mine alone to know. I don't have a best friend and if ever i get the chance to live one more life again pls give me a friend to lean on. A friend I'm not a burden to and a friend who if they ask who's their best friend they'll say my name. I want to be a special person to one as well. I envy them alot. I'm taking a mental check for myself this year. I don't have money to go to hospital yet and my mom who's the closest to being a best friend to me is a distant fellow to me now so i only have myself to tell , and only me to console myself because no one would tell me i did good today, i did well, that I'm enough, or that I'm loved. Bts is my emotional support and people would still let it be about a teenager who wants to marry her idol and that sucks because even though jimin said he understands me , he personally don't know me however his words are enough for me to feel love. Like they openly tell, i also craved to be loved. I don't think about suicide that way but I'm reckless with my life as if i don't treasure it. To be honest many times i just don't want to live but i don't want to die it's just I'm just sad. I guess and alone and that's okay. It should be or else i would break..

Happy New Year self, i guess
Hang in there uhm i hope you would find the love you need and live,you should.
It's hard but you should okay?
You can do it
I trust you
I love you