Still Unknown

ODD

Christmas Day
12/25/20

Today i found out i have ODD
Well to be quite frank it was self diagnosed( i shouldn't i know) but if were to dismiss these changes in me I'd be fooling myself. While I'm researching about what is happening to my mental state this is the closest thing I've been feeling...
To be honest i don't want to know if something is wrong with me.
And i know that it can be a tendency that I'm just making things up, however I'm also tired myself, of what is happening to me unconsciously and i know something is wrong. I have a mild ODD (based on what I've seen). The only place my anger outburst is at home. Im fine at school and at other places as well, tbh i maintain my composure to those places, but not at home.
You may ask why? I have come to the conclusion as well(I've been self reflecting). You see all my life I've been a people pleaser. I don't talk about what's hurting me and I don't show to others my rude side. I was always the good kid. They like that i was a good kid. I was not easily provoked and I'm scared of fights. I don't envolve myself to such things. I think it was bottled up inside me.Tbh I don't find myself that worse now. For me I'm just finally being the unapologetically me.But because I'm not like that all my life I've changed they say. I'm sad to find out about this and I'll get proper medication someday. I'll take care of my health, my mental health. My family doesn't care about my mental health. The only health they care was the health that involves my physical appearance. Emotional and mental health is a bullshit to them. But I'm different, I care about myself more than anyone in my life. They say it's sad that i only have me but I don't care. Because no one else will stay besides me , right?

[Greetings feb 2022]

It makes me physically sick to read this. Became of how confusing was this for you to go through. I wish to take your pain away. And give just give you happy things. I'm sorry because all i can say is thank you for being brave. Because you're courageous enough in all the hard times i can still live, you know?