𝗵𝗼𝗹𝘆 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘀. . . park jongseong ✔

three

The dark inky expanse above cast a blanket of stars over itself, covering the dark heavens with bright light until the sky met the horizon. They were the moon's friends, whispering and singing the ballads of the divine. 

      'Jay.'

Your voice, soft like the black velvet covering the sky. 

I didn't reply, only pulling you closer to myself. 

You leaned against me, head against my shoulder, hands gripping onto mine as if you were afraid you'd lose me. 

You were. 

And I despised it. 

Feeling eyes burning at the back of my head, I turned around. Nothing, there was no one there. A breath of relief pushed past my lips. 

Those familiar burning eyes. 

They were watching me, always. 

It had started a few months ago, they were not always there, only ever after I was diagnosed. 

Surely they had a connection.

But paranoia and logic did not always go hand in hand. 

I fear this disease was no different. 

My eyes flit to you, closed eyes, chest slowly rising. You weren't asleep yet, but you were trying to. 

      'Go to sleep, Haeun. It's almost four.'

      'Will you be there when I wake up?'

I smiled. 'Of course.'

I couldn't keep saying such things.

One time would be the last time.

Would it be this time? 

      'Will you keep saying that?'

      'I'll keep saying it as long as I can.'

      'I don't want you to promise me anything.'

Words hurt a lot more than punches. I've come to realise such a thing after meeting you. It's funny, isn't it?

      'Why not?'

      'Because I know you'll break it. You can't promise me forever when you're dying.'

I couldn't promise you forever when I'm dying. . .

Why does it hurt?

Have I not come to terms with my death?

You have.

Is that weird?

I hope not.

As much as it pains you, I know you did it to prolong your grief. 

I want you.

Perhaps it sounds possessive or obsessive of me, but I cannot help myself. My feelings rule me. I wish it was the other way around, but my mind is busy fighting another battle.

A lost battle. 

There was no point in fighting anymore. 

Death is in my hands, and as are you. 

I want you.

But I'm afraid. 

Losing the battle is not what I fear.

Losing you is what I fear. Do I want to leave you in this cursed world while I join the infinite? Absolutely not.

I want you.

Can I have you?

Or do I already have you?

If that's the case then. . . Can I love you?

Or would that cause more pain to your heart?

I'm not selfish. Not when it comes to you.

That's a lie.

I'm dying. 

Is that not selfish?

I'm selfish. 

Forgive me. 

Please.