Mine To Love (manxman)

15-Confessions And Confusion

FRANKIE

I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, unseeing. My mind was in overdrive trying to make sense of what had happened the night before. Something wasn't right I could feel it in my soul. Jeremy hadn't even been able to look at me for a large portion of the time he'd been in my home and I couldn't believe that he would be so cruel. I'd known him for most of our lives and he'd never been intentionally cruel to anyone. I'd regretted my reaction almost immediately after hitting him. I'd been hurt and angry but it was no excuse for physically hitting him.

I squeezed my eyes shut in an effort to erase the images replaying in my head, but to no avail. Grabbing a towel I wrapped it around my hips and went in search of clothes. I was determined to get to the bottom of this and that meant I'd have to go to Jeremy and demand the truth. He had lied to me, I knew there was no one else. He was constantly with me when neither of us were working and even for those few hours where we had to part, we were constantly texting each other.

We'd been in what my mother calls the honeymoon period. We were in love and acting like smitten teenagers who couldn't get enough of each other. I love him, and I know he loves me. Every kiss, every touch and caress had spoken more than words about the depth of his emotions. He couldn't fake that.

I collapsed on the side of my bed with a pair of jeans in my hand, though I had no memory of taking them from my closet. Could he fake that? Was he just that good of a lover that he made you feel cherished and  loved? Was I blinded by my own emotions so that I couldn't see the truth?

I needed to know.

With a new resolve I pulled on my jeans, foregoing underwear and grabbed the first T-shirt I could find. Before reaching the front door I slipped my feet into my boots and opened the door without stopping to tie them. I pulled up short when I noticed Deb sitting in her car which was parked in my driveway. What the hell did she want now?

Realising that she'd been seen she stepped out of the car and walked the short distance to me. She looked worse than I did and that was no easy thing. Her hair looked limp and lifeless, as did her eyes which were ringed in red and puffy as if she'd been crying. Her face was void of all make-up and paler than my mothers fine bone china dining set. Alarm bells started clanging in my head but I didn't have time to analyse it before she was in front of me and speaking.

"Hi, Frankie. Umm..." She swallowed convulsively before continuing. "Can I come inside for a few minutes? I really need to talk to you about something, it's important."

A lead ball landed in the pit of my stomach and I suddenly felt like a convicted man walking to the gallows. I wasn't sure what she had to tell me, or to say, but I had a gut feeling that I wouldn't like the outcome. "Come on." I led her to the living room and made a point to sit in a single chair, away from her. "What is it?" I questioned her.

"I-I..." Her voice cracked and I watched her sitting on the edge of the sofa cushion, wringing her hands as she tried once more to speak. "I'm pregnant." Her eyes, filled with tears, finally rose to meet mine.

"What? How? I always used a condom and I would have known if one broke. Are you sure it's mine?" I was such a pig for asking that question, but I needed to know. Deb wasn't the best girlfriend I'd ever had and I'd known she wasn't wife material, I couldn't trust her not to stray. I'd seen her looking at other men like she wanted to turn them into her own personal ice cream cone that needed licking.

Her head snapped back like I'd physically struck her and I flinched at the raw hurt clear in her eyes. "Of course it's yours, I'm not a slut. I don't know how this happened, but it did and I can't do this alone. I'm going to move to be closer to my parents. I just wanted to let you know, you're going to be a daddy. I didn't want to be one of those women who hides it from you, I've just been scared to tell you. And I heard that you were in a new relationship. I didn't want to interfere in that."

I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I didn't know what to feel, I was numb. She was taking my child away. I'd only just found out that I was going to be a daddy and now I was losing the child I'd always wanted. This was too much to take in, especially after what had happened with Jeremy.

Jeremy!

"Did you talk to Jeremy?" Pieces of this puzzle were already starting to click into place. This couldn't be a coincidence, it couldn't!

"I saw him yesterday at the hospital. I hadn't intended to tell him, not before I'd spoken to you. He told me to give him twenty four hours before I spoke to you, but he didn't explain why, he just said you'd stand by me and then he walked away. But I spent the whole night thinking about it, I didn't want you to feel like you had to stand by me. I know you're a good man, but I don't want us to be together because you feel a sense of obligation towards me. I loved you Frankie, or at least I thought I did. I wanted you to want to be with me, but you didn't. I watched you and Jeremy together so many times and I could see that he had more of you than I ever could dream of having. If you're happy with him then I don't want to get in the way of that. That's why I came before the twenty four hours were up. I didn't want him to do something that both of you would regret." Deb looked genuinely concerned. It baffled me that a woman who had hated Jeremy for as long as I had dated her could suddenly change how she felt.

"It's too late." I could feel the tears clogging my throat already. "He was here last night. He's broken up with me." I didn't look at her, I didn't want to see the spark of glee that could be in her eyes at finally getting rid of Jeremy.

"I'm so sorry, Frankie. I didn't want that, I swear. He wasn't my favourite person, but I've always known that he loved you. He couldn't hide that. And neither could you. I think I knew how you felt about him before you even admitted it to yourself." She stood and walked over to me, kneeling in front of me she rested her hands on my knees. "You need to go and get him back. Tell him I'm so sorry for everything." A sigh escaped her as a suddenly calm expression crossed her face. "I'm not mommy material. I'm too selfish and I already love this baby enough to know that I'm not the best thing for it. Maybe..." She seemed to study me for a long time. "Maybe you and Jeremy are what this baby needs. Call me after you talk to him, if you both want this child then we can have adoption and custody papers drawn up. Just, please, send me pictures every once in a while and let me know how they are. You don't have to tell the baby who I am if you don't want to, but I'd like to know."

How had I not realised what an amazing person Deb really was. She may call herself selfish, but what she was offering to me and Jeremy, and our unborn child, was the most unselfish thing any person could offer. I didn't know why she had suddenly changed her mind about raising our child with the help of her parents though. "Why? I mean, why are you changing your mind?"

She gave me a sad smile before replying. "I didn't want an abortion, and you hear horror stories about what happens to kids that are put through the system. I didn't want that for our child. I knew I wasn't ideal to raise a child, but I thought I would be better than the alternative. But if you and Jeremy want the baby, then I know it couldn't be in a more loving home. Don't tell him I said this, because I have a reputation as a bitch to maintain, but, Jeremy is a good man and if I have to give up both you and my child to someone then I couldn't ask for better than him. He loves you, and I know he loves kids." She shrugged. "It makes sense to me."

I pulled her up into a hug, careful not to squeeze her too hard. She was carrying my precious cargo, my son or daughter. Now I just had to go and convince their other daddy to stop trying to be a damn hero.