Together, we heal | Levi Ackerman

༅ 21. Sincerely, Vanya

Under the Light, Part 4: Sincerely, Vanya

Year 844

"Could you perhaps increase the dosage?"

Those were the very words Nurse Maya had been dreading to hear ever since the first time her patient had her first taste of Mother Bailey's Quieting Syrup a month ago.

Nurse Maya was holding the small bottle of the tincture upright with a dropper as Vanya sat still in anticipation, looking up at her nurse and the bottle in her hands with an expression that almost looked so hungry -- greedy and ravenous.

It would be foolish for the nurse to be surprised; she had already expected this to happen. It happened to anyone who would take laudanum on a daily basis.

"How's the pain in your legs?" Nurse Maya asked not just out of concern but out of suspicion. Her eyes turned sharper, cautious. She couldn't simply double her dosage for no valid reason.

Vanya pondered over the question of her nurse for a moment.

It had been a pleasurable month of regularly ingesting Mother Bailey's tincture every morning along with a much needed calcium-rich diet and supplements for her condition. Though there were only minor improvements in her bones, the newfound physical and mental comfort Vanya discovered in that miracle of a tincture was godsend: it produced a blissful sensation throughout her body like soaking herself in ambrosia and warm hugs, and treading through a lucid dream.

It was that good. So good that the pain in her legs were barely there (if she did feel it, she would be too tranquilized to even care), and the melancholy brought about by the death of her family and the absence of her best friends almost melted away from her state of consciousness. Almost.

Life seemed to feel much easier and worth living with laudanum. It made her feel unstoppable, as if she could easily survive any obstacle that came in her way.

"The pain is still there," answered Vanya impatiently.

She was starting to itch and feel cranky. If she didn't take the sedative for more than 24 hours since her last dose, she swore she'd throw a destructive fit, rip her blankets, and scream. Or maybe throw up. She needed to drink it now.

"Double the dosage," Vanya told the nurse.

"But Miss Vanya --"

"My usual dosage doesn't give the same effect as it used to anymore," she interrupted her worried nurse.

Six drops of the tincture no longer provided her the same wonders the way it did the first time she took it. As the weeks passed by, her body seemed to have gotten used to it that it no longer melted and meshed with the relaxation it promised. The pain in her legs would hike, the restlessness every sleepless night became more frequent, and her anxiety was starting to grow rampant in the middle of the day. Vanya, with whatever crude logic she had, thought that maybe increasing the amount of the sedative would help to bring back the same relief and the euphoria back.

"Please... I haven't been feeling any better," Vanya uttered weakly as her fingers fiddled with the white handkerchief she grew to be inseparable with.

Vanya had it washed regularly. Four times every wash, as instructed by Levi. She felt that it would tantamount to an act of betrayal if she didn't abide by his finicky request.

Though the past month had felt nothing but a misty dream, Vanya would never dare forget the precious letters from her best friends that were safely tucked away in her bedside drawer. She would only pull it out during nights of restlessness when she'd think that only their written words could bring her to sleep, if not the laudanum.