briar roses (and hundred years of sleep)

Chapter 5

Author: vannral on ao3
Summary: Izuku and Katsuki have a talk. Finally.

Of course it's fucking Deku.

It's Deku, shoving his nose again into Katsuki's business, it's Deku who -

Fuck.

Deku doesn't quite startle when Katsuki yanks the door open, but his eyes are still wide and look just as bone-tired as Katsuki feels.

They stare at each other in silence, carefully, quietly, just - regarding and gauging, and the space between them feels painfully more prominent and sharp-edged than before.

They're both older and more weary than before this whole disaster started, it feels like a life time already.

     "What d'you want, Deku."

It comes out rough, all gravel and dust on his tongue, but Katsuki doesn't care -

Deku draws a deep breath - not rustling, not paper-like sound mixed into machinery, Katsuki's mind supplies uselessly - but it's wet and uneven, nonetheless.

     "I - I wanted to talk," Deku says and lifts his chin. The lamps in Katsuki's room reflect on his green eyes.

A small part of Katsuki toys with the idea of slamming the door to the nerd's face.

A small part of him would find twisted sort of joy in it. To dig the knife deeper, see how it hurts, wouldn't look at me before, don't look at me now with those damn eyes of yours -

But he doesn't.

Instead of doing that he just steps aside and grunts. "Don't just stand there like a loser, get in."

Now Deku jumps, surprised. "Oh! Sure, thank you."

When the door closes, it sounds like a dooms day bell. The silence rolls in, suffocating, and Katsuki crosses his arms over his chest, scowling at Deku, whose fingers twitch anxiously on his wristband.

(look at me. look at me, deku - )

     "Well?" he snaps, not even bothering to hide how in shreds his nerves truly are.

Deku's cheeks flush bright pink, and he looks side-ways, away. He rubs absently his arm.

     "I - I wanted to talk to you. To - to clear what happened," he stammers and clears his throat.

     "Was pretty fuckin' clear to me," Katsuki snarls, now the senseless hurt pouring out in jagged vowels. "Couldn't even look in my direction after comin' back." 

Deku frowns. "Well, you didn't talk to me, either, Kacchan," he points out, and his voice hitches in the middle. "And - and you left."

Katsuki freezes.

You left.

The bustle in the hospital room, the beep-beep, and the green line on the monitor -

     "You know what, sure, you bet your ass I left. What the fuck could I've done? It couldn't have been me, it had to have been a fuckin' fluke if nothing else!"

Deku's eyes widen. "Wait, what? Kacchan - "

But Katsuki's too far gone; he's too scrubbed hollow to stop now. So he continues, his voice low, raspy:

     "Then fuckin' Pikachu ran his mouth, asking stupid questions if I knew who woke you up and you didn't look at me. Figured you didn't wanna talk to me and that was more than fuckin' fine, don't deserve that anyway." Gritting his teeth so hard it hurts, Katsuki stares at Izuku, his vision welling with frustrated tears. "So what, Deku, should I've done, huh? Force your ass to talk to me, after what you went through? After what I did?"