The Pawn

Chapter Nineteen: Realization

The ride back to base was one of silence. It occurred to me more than once that they were making every effort to ensure that I was given space, but I would have rather discussed the elephant in the room. It was inevitable, at some point I would have to explain the details of my fallacious facade to Erwin. I only prayed that he would forgive me, after he heard my version of events.

I tilted my chin upwards, sneaking a small glance at the broad-shouldered man. Giving a small click of my tongue, I directed Ruger to fall next to his mare's flank. I chewed nervously on my bottom lip, distinguishing his slight aloofness as I joined his side. In the years I had come to know Erwin, I had learned a great deal about him. To the average cadet, he was determined and resilient, always striving forwards and devoting himself full heartly to the role of commander. However, I wasn't that naïve to not notice his slightly tousled hair or the dark circles forming underneath his eyes.

"Erwin, listen I...." I began, searching for the words on even how to begin my story.

"We should be arriving back to base shortly. I believe it would be best if we all reevaluate the events of this trip in the morning. We all deserve a night's rest, with no distractions." Erwin stated to no one in particular as he tapped his heels on his mare's side to increase her pace.

I tasted the smallest tinge of iron as blood mixed with saliva, as my teeth finally released my bottom lip. I cursed under my breath that I had bit down so harshly on the delicate flesh.

"Give him time Ari, you know he cares for you more than a comrade but as for that of family." Charlotte's sweet soft voice emerged from beside me, her blonde hair swaying softly side to side as we continued to ride forward.I gave a tight lipped smile, trying to believe what she was saying was true.

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My raven hair splayed over the thin fabric of my white pillowcase, forcing my eyes shut and wishing for sleep to overtake me. My fingers plucked at the frays forming on the edge of the blanket as I wrestled with my guilt, my mind haunted with images of the solemn faces of Erwin and my comrades. I gave a small sigh, throwing back the woven material, struggling to scoot myself to the edge of my mattress. I crept on tiptoes across the wooden floor, careful to grab my clothes along with my newly assigned ODM gear as quick as possible to avoid awaking any of my comrades. Slowly, I worked at prying the door to our bunk open, before slipping through the small opening. Inhaling deeply I peered upwards at the clear night sky painted with millions of twinkling stars, alongside a brightly lit full moon.

The moon is bright tonight, I shouldn't have any trouble walking by foot, I'd rather not disturb Ruger at this time at night, besides I know he must be exhausted from our ride.

I gave a small sigh before pushing my heels into my knee high leather boots and heading towards the comfort of the vast forest. Flickers of moonlight seeped through the tangled limbs of the grove, providing enough light to allow me to suit myself in my gear. My hands clasped around the familiar grooved lever handles, fingers sliding into a small notch behind the trigger. Yet, I was still hesitant to place my finger over the metallic trigger. I squeezed my eyes shut, reminding myself to breath as I rolled my neck to each side, trying to focus on anything besides the burning sensation in my shoulder.