Blast to the Past

4

"How... h-how did it come to this?"

Naruto could never imagined such devastation before. Not even the war could caused such a terrible devastation!

The land was scorched black like an angry scar and no growing life could be seen.

Corpses littered the earth and all around them despaired.

Naruto fell to his knees.

"Why?" He asked. "Why?"

The dark figure hovered above him like the shadow of a wrathful god.

"You broke canon." It said. "Now you must die."

Naruto shut his eyes in acceptance.

The villain struck a pose.

"CANON POWER MAKE-UP!"

A dazzling pink light erupted around them and sparks of glitter flew everywhere. Bright red hearts swirled about them as they were transformed and a petite sailor-suit and a very very short skirt materialized on them.

Naruto squinted.

It wasn't over yet.

Musical erupted from the strange light.

And then...

The villain struck another pose.

"IN THE NAME OF KISHIMOTO I WILL PUNISH YOU!"

Da fuc?

::

Earlier:

"Gaara! You don't know us but we know you!" Naruto grinned. "Hi! I'm—-!"

"Naruto." Gaara said sternly. "Why are we in the past?"

Naruto's grin froze.

"Gaara!!"

He tackled him into a hug.

...

Or tried to. A wall of sand kinda prevented him.

He kicked it—missed—tripped—and fell.

Orochimaru snickered.

"Shut it Voldy."

He sniffled. "Why are you so meeeeaaaaaan?"

"Ignore him. He killed your dad." Naruto waved Orochimaru off dismissively. "Want to come and save the world?"

Gaara shrugged. "Why not? There's nothing else for me to do."

::

"I bet you my firstborn son that I can create a stupider jutsu than you can." Naruto declared.

"You're on." Sniffed Orochimaru as they flipped their hair.

"Dramatic-hair-blowing-in-the-wind no jutsu!"

Naruto struck a pose.

Gaara made a face. "The wind is blowing your hair in the wrong direction."

"...I don't know how to make it blow the other way."

Orochimaru cackled.

"Then I am the clear winner!" They declared.

"Hell no! We haven't even seen your jutsu yet!"

Orochimaru smirked.

"Bad-cringey-gramerz no joutsoo!"

Narto gawcd in horor.

"Orchimaroo wat hav u dun?"

"I do wat i haf 2 do 2 wine."

Garaa makes sad face & criez cuz readerz cant read no more witout there headhurting.

"😢"

"?!?!?!?!!?" Nart scream, "how u do dat?????"

"🤷‍♂️" said Gara.

"😱" Nt say cuz autor too lazy to spel full name lmaoooo.

They look at ech oter and scream.

::

"Wtf iz going on?" Askz Sasqke. "Y we speak like dis??"

"Realitea alterng juststo used sumwear." Kesha say and smil wjth his 1 black eye.

"I blam Nart." Suckra angry angri.

"😡"

::

🐸😍🥷🏻

👙🎉🎉🎉

🐸👍

🙅🏻‍♀️😡😡

🐸😚

🤬🖕

👊💥

🐸😱🤕

::

"Wat happen Itouchie??????" 🦈 🗡 say.

"Hn. It appears this jutsu has no effect on me." Itachi said calmly.

"Fix meeeeeee." 🦈 🗡 🥺 beggged.

Itachi regarded his partner with stoic eyes.

"I shall do my best." He said. "But even I may be no match for the chaos of @mcho1907."

...

"Thou hath made it worse."

::

"Thou saith that Orochimaru of the Sannin hath casted such a terrible technique and hath stirred my wrath?" Tsunade crossed her arms.

"Nay!" Cried Orochimaru. "Thou hath been mistaken!"

"Tis as the Snake tells." Naruto said. "Some other hath casted their own spell upon us."

"Thy wits are dim." Sighed Shikamaru.

"Thy words wound my pride! Retake them fiend or feel the sting of my Pain of A Thousand Years!"

"Never." Shikamaru said. "Tis far too troublesome."

::

"It is mine to avenge, I will repay!
Thou shall be tried for blood of their mother and father spilt on the ground which cries for vengeance.
Kin-slayer! They cry! Kin-slayer!
End his wretch soul and send him to hell to burn in the flames of his sin!
May not even a single drop of dew come down to quench his thirst,
Nor even a single spider's thread hang for him to climb into heaven.
May he burn in the Black Sun Flames!
And let the fan of thy noble clan strengthen the flame,
So Amaterasu may bring justice to his wicked soul!
Itachi! Thou wretched ingrate!
Thy treacherous tongue plagues my dreams!
For what purpose would thy abandon reason for the madness of thy pride?
For power?
For trial and quest?
Thou art not my brother nor the son of my mother.
I disown thee!
Thou art the bastard of a bitch!
A rabid mutt in need of slaying,
There lives a Kin-slayer in need of kin-slaying,
For it is mine to avenge, I will repay!"

Kakashi clapped.

"Hail be thy soliloquy." Said Kakashi.

Sakura stared at Sasuke.

"Thou needst a therapist." She said.