From Ashes We Rise (The Darkest Minds)

Used To Be

I was so happy to be out of that stupid base. The fresh air was so sweet. I wanted to run, run away from Andrei and Rose. I could take them both. I could drop them and be on my way before Johnson could send an agent to get me. But in doing so, I'd hurt Rose and I just couldn't do that. Fingers curled around my bicep.
"Can I talk to you?" Andrei asked.
I rolled my eyes. Talking to him was the last thing I wanted to do. I just wanted him to leave me alone.
"Why?" I grumbled. He yanked me back behind Rose. My eyes narrowed into slits. I yanked my arm away from him. "Who do you think you're grabbing like that?!" I yelled. Rose stopped and stared back at us.
Rose rolled her eyes.
"Guys, can we please not have another death match?" she said.
Andrei's eyes quickly narrowed as he raised his hand to her.
"Can you just give us a moment...please?"
Rose rolled her eyes as she turned and started forward. I stared at her as she disappeared down the hill, out of my sight. I looked down and refused to look Andrei in his eyes.
"I'm tired of this, Danni. I'm tired of you being pissed at me...at everyone."
I laughed dryly.
"Don't call me Danni. You haven't earned that."
He sighed irritably and leaned his head back.
"You can't keep this up forever you know, the front. I know that you're not as dark as you want people to believe."
My blood ran cold as the anger boiled my blood. He was wrong. I had changed. I kept my eyes glued to his chest, still refusing to look in his eyes. I just shrugged. I could see the anger in his clenched fist. "So, what? Now you're ignoring me?!" he yelled, the frustration so strong in his voice.
"Why do you care?" I mumbled. This conversation needed to end. He wrapped his hands tight around my arms again. He took a deep breath.
"Can you please...please just look me in the eye and tell me why you're so angry all the time? What made you this way?"
I jerked my head up, anger boiling under my skin.
"None of your fucking business!" I screamed. I could feel the fire stirring under my skin as the anger stoked it. "It doesn't matter what happened to me! I have a right to be angry, okay? So it would really help if you just leave me alone and stay out of my way!"
I yanked my arms away and started towards Rose at the bottom of the hill.
"You guys done?" Rose grumbled. I shot her a harsh glance before charging forward, leaving them behind me. "I'll take that as a yes," she mumbled.
We traveled for hours through the rough terrain in complete silence. I led most of the time since I had the map. Luckily the tribe was really close. It would only take us a day to get there.
"Hey," Rose mumbled. I didn't turn to look at her. I just kept walking. "What's going on with you? I-I know you don't like taking about it-or-talking at all, but it's proven that talking things out make you feel better."
I scoffed.
"I'm fucked up, Rose," I mumbled, wanting the conversation to be over. "That's what happened."
"But why? How?"
I bit my lip, trying my hardest to suppress the anger. The anger swirled into sadness as I thought about my past self. I wondered what she would think of me now. The cold Danni. The angry Danni. The Danni that feels nothing. The Danni that never cries anymore.
"I used to be nice...until they ripped my heart out, and every good thing about me."
Rose didn't say anything else. I knew she had more questions but she was wise enough not to ask.
A few hours later, we came across a small but hidden cave. We decided to rest there for the night. I sat against the cold rock wall, staring out at the night sky. Rose was already fast asleep. It must be nice to be able to sleep. I was kind of bad at sleep now. My dreams were haunted by Sebastian's face. I'd see him die and then wake up in a panic, wondering how it really ended for him. Was it quick? Painless? I hoped so.
"Did I ever tell you I had a sister?" Andrei asked. I rolled my eyes.
"No. We're not friends, remember?" I mumbled.
"Yeah, I didn't think so. Her name was Maya. She had long black hair and the prettiest blue eyes I've ever seen. She was five. Her and I were running from the PSFs. They had already killed our parents for harboring us."
He took in a deep breath. I could feel him tense up beside me. "To make a long story short, she was hit by a stray bullet when we were running."
My muscles became rigid as he sucked in another shakey breath. "She was an Orange."
I glanced at him through the corner of my eye. He took in a deep breath before continuing. "After that, I was angry at the world. I...couldn't feel anything. I was just...so numb."
I clenched my jaw, squishing my teeth together until my jaw ached. "What I'm saying is...I know what it's like to lose someone you love. And that's what happened to you, isn't it?"
I stared forward, wanting to cry but unable to muster up a single tear.
"I knew an Orange once," I mumbled.
"He's the one, isn't he? The one they-."
"I'm done talking!" I growled. The silence went on for a while until I realized that he wasn't gonna speak back. The dirt rustled under his boots as he stood. He tapped my shoulder.
"I'm gonna take a walk outside for a minute. Wanna come?"
I sat there for a moment, not saying anything, just leaning up against the rock wall of the cave. There was no way I'd be able to sleep, so why not? I pushed myself up and followed Andrei outside. The air was warm and the night was quiet.
"So...what happened to that Orange?"
I rolled my eyes and leaned my head back.
"Just drop it," I mumbled. My eyes snapped to his as his fingers curled around my wrist. My eyes traced over the outline of his face. The blackness of the night darkened his hair, making him look even more like Sebastian. My heart ached as I gazed into his eyes, wishing that it really was him.
"I'm here," he whispered. "You can talk to me or not talk to me, but I'm here."
I yanked my eyes down, clinching my jaw.
"Why?" I mumbled through clenched teeth. Pins and needles trickled through my hand as he brushed his thumb against them.
"I know what its like."
I pulled my eyes back over to his, gazing into the pools of brown. Sebastian stood right in front of me, his beautiful smile spread across his face. "You don't have to deal with this alone," came Seb's voice.
I curled my fingers around his and turned to face him. I reached my hand up and touched his warm cheek.
His hand slid down to my chin. He pulled my face over to his. I looked up into his handsome dark eyes. He stared back at me. My heart hammered in my ribcage, a sense of relief rushing through me as Sebastian stood inches away from me. He leaned in closer and so did I. We were so close. I could feel his forehead against mine. As he moved even closer, I felt his hands snake around my waist. Our lips were just inches away from each other. I embraced everything. His nose pressing against my cheek, his breath against my lips. He leaned in and finally our lips met. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into him. I wrapped my hands around the back of his neck and ran my fingers through the back of his hair. Everything blurred and my surroundings dropped like a bomb. I felt his hands run up my back and then he gently moved his fingers through my hair.
You know it's not him, my brain whispered to my heart. He's not Sebastian. My eyes narrowed as I pulled away from his soft lips. Andrei's nose was still pressed against my cheek. I could still feel his breath on my lips.
"What was that?" he whispered, his voice hoarse. I sighed quietly and pushed myself away from him, looking into his blue—not brown—not Sebastian's eyes.
"A mistake," I mumbled.