They won't catch me (young punk Ukai)

CH 7 --- Not A Happy Ever After

// this chapter contains, swearing, mentions of suicide, self harm, panic attacks and mention of eating disorder please read with caution and stay safe.

*Ukai's POV*

Sure living at Gee's apartment is awesome, we have two cats, access to tones of music and instruments but my problems don't just disappear over night. I still feel like shit most of the time, Gerard and Frank both smoke and sometimes Frank drinks a bit but he never gets more than tipsy. But still something feels wrong, maybe its that my body doesn't ache from beatings all the time, or maybe that Gerard has been making me eat at least one meal a day, I'm still not able to eat more than that and I can't eat in public so we don't go out for meals together. I feel that I'm messing up their lives, no one has visited since I moved in but that might just be because they haven't been living here long and neither of them are very fluent in Japanese, Gerard's was okay but it was very formal and Frank's was a mess to be honest. We speak both languages at home so I can get better at English and so they can get better at Japanese. My school work is okay but I am still probably going to fail my mid-term tests. I decide I should speak to Gerard about it.

"Umm.. Gee, I know that I'm falling behind and that I can't get much school work done and that it's because I have been so stressed but I can't help but worry about it. I was wondering if I should start doing study sessions or not. What do you think?"

"I know that your worried and I completely understand why you would want to get your grades up but I would rather we focused on your recovery first. I've got a therapist sorted, if you want to do it. And your father will be going on trial soon so I think we should wait until after that before focusing on your grades," he explains.

He is going on trial in two weeks and I have to be there for the hearing, it's a daunting thing to think about, I haven't seen him in two weeks and I'm not looking forward to it. Gerard and my lawyer are going to be there with me but to be honest that only makes me feel a bit better. We don't know how long the trial will take so that scares me but the guys have been trying to make me feel better, we've had about three movie nights and four music sessions. Last night we watched Dark Shadows by Tim Burton and with Johnny Depp playing the lead role of a vampire, he looked pretty damn cool. We also made popcorn and milkshakes, I managed to eat about a fistful of popcorn and drink half a glass of milkshake before rushing to the bathroom and throwing up. Gee was right behind me and sat with me on the grey tiles rubbing my back and telling me that it was okay, I had done well though bearing in mind the fact that before I moved in I wouldn't eat for about four days straight before either snacking or binge eating and purging.

My eating disorder may have been getting better but I still self harmed, no one knew that my torso was littered with self inflicted cuts. My sides and my thighs were criss crossed with thin red lines and pink and white scars. No one saw them because of my habit to wear jeans and hoodies. I stopped cutting my arms when I moved into the apartment because I would sometimes just sit around in short sleeved shirts or I rolled up my hoodie sleeves. I still refused to change for gym in front of my classmates and change in the bathroom instead. My friends noticed it after about one week but I just said I was feeling kinda insecure and they didn't question it again.

*time skip to last period on Monday (the free one)*

I didn't do as Gee asked, I asked the new kid, his name was Takeda, to help me with some extra studying, we had an hour to fill so we covered some Japanese literature, English language and history. It wasn't too much but it was enough for my brain to be tired by the time the day was over. Takeda was really smart, and he wasn't as boring as I thought he would be, he liked anime and manga almost as much as I do. We talked about our favourite artists and films for the last ten minuets before the bell went and we packed away, I met Gerard and told him that I would be going to the park with Uchizawa and Shimada. I wasn't but he let me saying to call Frank when I needed picking up. I did go to the park with them but they had to leave and get home and shower before going and meeting up with some of the other school volleyball team members for a gym session. I sat on a bench under a tree and watched as people went on their way, going home before their dinner is ready to eat. I pulled out a packet of cigarettes that I had grabbed off the kitchen side the other day, Frank had enough to not notice that any of them were missing so I could get away with it. I lit up and smoked my stresses away, I love the smell of the tobacco and the burning sensation in the back of my throat. I don't get told off for coming home smelling of smoke because the whole house smells of it.