They won't catch me (young punk Ukai)

CH 8 --- I can't dance, not now

// this chapter contains mention of suicide, self harm, disordered eating and depression

*Way's POV*

I often see Keishin in the middle of the night, in the kitchen, in the living room, in the store room. We are both insomniacs, up all hours, sleep is for the weak. Tonight I met him in the living room, he was sitting in the corner on a bean bag, he had The Goose Girl by Jay Gilbert in one hand and a drink in the other. He was near the end of the book, I've read it, it gets a bit messy at that point. 'I should probably warn him' I think, and as if on cue, the boys eyes widened and he dropped the book. He put his mug down on the floor and curled his legs up to his chest. I assumed he had read about Robert's suicide attempt. I walked over and sat next to him. He placed his bleach blond head onto my lap and I start to play with his hair, unlike Frank, Ukai doesn't use any product in his hair other than leave in conditioner, his hair is soft but slightly dry from having been bleached recently. The boys eyelids fluttered as he fell into a light sleep, I continued to stroke his hair as he sleeps. He stays in his calm, undisturbed slumber for almost half an hour before he begins to toss and turn, whispering and muttering. I place one hand on his shoulder to try and keep him still and the other rubs soothing circles into his back. After about 15 minuets of that, he goes back to his original state of slumber.

The young man's eyes flutter open and he yawns. I check the time, 04:15 am. Kei had been asleep for about an hour.

"Oh.. Gee.. s.sorry I fell asleep on you," he whispers.

"It's okay kiddo, I'm just glad you got some sleep."

"What's the time?"

"Quarter past four. We have one hour and 45 minuets before we need to leave for school."

"Oh... I think I'm gonna have a shower and get dressed then."

"Okay, I'll make some coffee and toast in the mean time, Do you want a slice?"

"Ummm.... I'll try, see you in 20 minuets."

He stands up, stretches and walks into the bathroom. I pick up his mug and put it on the counter, it has hot chocolate left in the bottom, childish but comforting. I can hear the shower running as I put on a cup of coffee, the kid showers once every day, sometimes twice. I don't know why but at least he doesn't go months without one like Frankie did at that age, The dirty punk he was.

*Ukai's POV*

I forgot to shower last night so as I do now, the water at my feet turns to a muddy red. Dried blood clings to my stomach and my thighs and as I wash it off, thin, messy red lines are all that's left behind. All that remains of my breakdown last night. I hate my body. Its not the only thing I hate but it is one of the things that I hate the most, the ugly scars don't make it any better. But I am in love with that feeling, the feeling of the blade piercing my skin as the crimson liquid starts to bead up and drip down my side. It's comforting. It's a bad habit that I can't stop. It's not my only bad habit either, I often steal cigs from Frank or Gerard to smoke after school or in the early hours of the morning, I sacrifice my sleep for extra study time that I don't need and I shower twice a day, almost every day, because I always feel dirty. Most of the time I'm not, I don't partake in much sport and I don't sweat much so I guess it's more of a metaphorical dirty, rather than the truth. I should probably break out of those habits, they'll kill me one day, for sure. But for now, I guess I'll just let them be.

I get out of the shower and step over to the sink. I haven't shaved in almost a week and a rough stubble is growing over my cheeks. When I finish shaving, I just stare at the razor. The silver blade is calling out to me again, asking for one more waltz across my pale flesh. But I can't letit dance again. Not here. Not now. As I fight against it's hypnotizing voice, it gets louder, more aggressive. Demanding this last dance. Pushing itself towards me. Pushing me towards the dance floor, towards the edge. I can't do it. I can't lead another dance. But I can't reject it.

"Kei! Foods ready!"

That voice, it pulls me away from the dance floor and out into the fresh air of the garden. It prises the blade from my hand and I drop it, almost silently, into the sink. I check the clock, 04:27, 22 minuets had passed. I quickly pull on my boxers, then my jeans, put on some deodorant and then a hoodie. And with one last look in the mirror, I turn my back on my dancing partner and go to find Gee.

As I wondered into the kitchen, the aroma of fresh coffee greeted me. On the counter was a steaming cup and a slice of buttered toast. As I started to munch on my toast, Gerard came in, followed by a disgruntled Frank.

"I don't wanna work the first shift."

"Tough luck man. You gotta do it if you wanna keep your job."

"Ugh.. fine, but only cause I have to."

Gerard looked over to me and rolled her eyes. Frankie wasn't a morning person, he needed two cups of coffee before he even considered getting ready to leave.

"Wow Frankie, you sound like a child that doesn't want to go to school!"

"And so what?"

"Frankie, that's my job, I'm the 16 year old, not the 23 year old. Now get your lazy ass ready or your gonna be late!"

The punk pouts at me before finishing his coffee and marching back to his room. Gerard looks at me and laughs. We both love Frankie to bits but his childish behaviour is too hard not to laugh at.

By the time Frank comes back in, dressed in a black shirt and black jeans for work, me and Gee have finished our food. It is 5am so we still have an hour before we need to leave, so we have more than enough time to get our stuff ready.

By the time 05:30 came around, Frank was all set to go. So Gee pushed him out of the apartment, gave him his bag and closed the door. As much as the young art teacher loved his friend, he had to make sure he was out of the house on time, and it was tiring. Frank's shift started at 06:00 but he had to make sure he wasn't late to open up.

Me and Gerard on the other hand, are always ready to go by the time the clock strikes six. Art portfolios, bags, laptops, the whole lot. All that's left is to get on the train. The ride to school is almost always uneventful. We turn up early because Gee has to get his classroom ready for his first year homeroom class at 07:15. That means that I can either; sit in his classroom, sit in my homeroom classroom, sit in the library or sit outside. Today I opted for, outside. I sat on the bench under the old oak tree, looking down the hill, towards the town. If I wanted to, I could go get some food or a drink before class started and if I were the younger me, I would have. But I'm not, I'm the current me, the one with an eating disorder, the one with social anxiety, the one with depression.

As I sat there I thought. I often thought about a lot of things. About my mother, about my 'father', about my purpose and about how, if I left for good, the world would still turn, life would still go on, for every one else.

As I sit and think, I lose touch with the world around me. My body moves of it's own accord. So when Uchizawa pulled the lit cigarette out of my mouth, I wasn't surprised.

"If a teacher catches you, you'll be in deep shit."

"They won't, not here. They won't catch me."

I take the nicotine stick back from him and fill my lungs with the toxic fumes. I close my eyes as I blow the smoke into the sky.

"What's up man? You look like shit." He looks at me with those concerned eyes of his.

"Nothing," I stand up, "Nothing much, I guess I'm just dying." I drop the cigarette, putting it out under the toe of my trainers. As I walk back into the main building, I leave him to think about my last statement. I'm just dying. It's not much.

//1.5k words, that was a long one. Also, yes Keishin likes to know exactly what time it is, in this fic he is a bit like L from death note in that manner.

opinions and ideas appreciated as always.