Saudade | tk ✔

S A U D A D E (4)

The air wasn't warm anymore, it was tensed. I shouldn't have asked what I did. I shouldn't have wondered that much. He's been mostly leaving for his hospital right after college, probably which is why he wouldn't be seen mostly hanging around his friends.

I didn't interrogate further, but maybe, it was all pent up inside of him, that he decided to share himself.

"You see, my boyfriend's older. Yoongi was just there for the mandatory military service, I had received a message reminding me that he was about to be exuded but before that, he got shot and had been in a coma ever since. He was soon transferred to the best hospital here in America, so I changed colleges to be closer to him."

It was tragic really. But I still couldn't fathom the fact that he still held on to him. The fact that it must have been difficult for him, would be an understatement.

"Were you not... Scared?"

"I was, indeed. In fact the first two times of visiting him, I almost gave up. I started working two jobs alongside in order to stay busy and take him out of my head, but I couldn't. In fact, he'd occupy my brain way too much to be able to concentrate at anything."

Jungkook hasn't left my brain either, ever since I broke up with him. Feels like his thoughts and memories have travelled all the way here.

"I'd try and try and stay sane but mostly I would just feel sometimes that it'll be so much better if he were dead. It would be better than seeing him fight for his life everyday. In fact, we didn't even know if he would make it. My heart couldn't handle it really. But as the time went by, I realized, I was blessed to still be able to see him. He was breathing still, even though very tardily. It was then, life breathed back into me and I waited patiently. I still am. It's been 251 days, but I can wait for longer. It's alright. He's still here with me and that's what that matters."

I couldn't understand. What went wrong with... Us? Jimin hyung almost lost his partner and here he was, trying to bring almost dead boyfriend back to life again. It was a though, he didn't care what the future held, he was, just there.... with him.

There's a reason why he's always reminded me of Jungkook. Maybe I will remind him of his boyfriend if he'd know how I left him. Both Jungkook and Jimin had been left, hanging in between by their lovers. I wonder if Jungkook is still waiting for me, just like Jimin hyung is.

It hurts.

Considering how his boyfriend may be able to hear everything but still not be able to react, is something I cannot fathom how bad it must be. Maybe he wants to stay with him, maybe he wants to thank him for staying by his side, or god forbid, if he knows his demise is near, maybe he wants to kiss him goodbye one last time.

They didn't have a last goodbye.

Life's so unfair. They deserve all the love. They deserve to live a happy life. If I were in the place of his injured boyfriend, I'm afraid, Jungkook wouldn't have been able to handle it. I wonder how many nights he would have cried for me. I can't even imagine the other way round, I maybe would have not survived it at all.

It all made me feel shittier.

Why did I leave Jungkook?

He is alive. I am alive. I am healthy and so is he. At least, I know he's safe and not battling his life, then why did I?

Where did I go wrong?

-