Saudade | tk ✔

S A U D A D E (5)

“I bet you love your boyfriend, way more than you think you do.” He wasn't wrong. I figured that out long ago.

“I assume it's his bracelet that you wear religiously everyday.” He was a keen observer.

I noticed how it wasn't just the bracelet or the cologne of his that I carried everyday with me. It was his memories. His warmth. No matter what I did, I couldn't help but wonder how he'd be doing without me. Whether he'd be missing me or not. Whether he'd be eating well or not. I did in fact love him more than I thought I did.

“Tell me, Taehyung. What was the real reason why you broke up with him?”

The real reason.

I was born to parents who weren't affectionate as such. My mom was abusive, dad loved me but didn't know how to show it and when he divorced her, I then realized how hard it was for him. It wasn't until he married to my white step mom that I realized what being affectionate truly is. Jungkook is like her. Vibrant, full of joy, always ready to show affection. He does that seamlessly. I don't know how to do it.

I always felt like I was no match for him. He deserved better. And no matter how much I tried, within those three years of togetherness, I could never show him how much I truly loved him. And when my parents broke the news it'll be better for me to study in America, I gave up. I couldn't do this to him.

I couldn't keep him waiting, torture him more. He was already putting up with a boyfriend like me. I wish, I was different.

But maybe, he didn't care. Some people are natural givers. He was one of those. But I wasn't exploiting him, I just simply didn't know how to be loud in terms of love.

But maybe that's how I love. And maybe he realized this way before I did. Then why did he not tell me this before?

Why did I break up with him? I'm sure he's hurting as much as I am here.

“Tell me, hyung. Have you never been scared of the distance between you and your boyfriend?”

“Always. But losing him forever frightens me the most. Till he finally opens up his eyes and comes back to being normal, I am okay with these bits and pieces of him. It's better than being away from him.”

I would be lying if I said I didn't constantly scroll through his pictures before sleeping at night. I still, wanted to picture him sleeping next to me and mentally fool myself that he was in fact, still here. He was right, having bits and pieces is way better than not having him at all.

Then why did I?

“If you're wondering, no it isn't too late. He might still be waiting for you.”

I wanted to, really bad. I wonder if he'd get mad at me.

“Don't you ever think you'd be mad at him for leaving you like this?”

“Maybe. But at the same time, I'd kill to have him talk to me again. I want him to be with me again, just like he was. He wasn't that a loud lover either. He was a musician. He'd work his magic with his instruments and I'd dance. I want to dance again, I want him to play the piano again. That was his love language and has always been. I wouldn't mind if he asks me to stay by his side, I'd happily do that. I just... want him back.”

This was eye opening for me. Love language. Mine had always been letters. I was good with words. I might not be able to convey that I loved him verbally, but I'd always make sure my letters contained all the alphabets needed to assure him that I indeed loved him to bits. Love language. His had always been gifting me handmade stuff. I understand now. We loved each other in more ways than I realized.

“Plus, I'd say. It's not easy to stay mad at someone whom you truly love. Once you actually meet him, kiss him, his anger will melt into your embrace. He wouldn't be mad, if that's what you're worried about.”

And there was my hint. I was secretly waiting for the universe to give me an answer, as to what should I do to fix this broken life of mine and he sent an angel in the form of Jimin hyung.

I had been foolish before. I was dumb. I have made mistakes. But I was ready to fix them.

“Hyung, I wanna go back to him.”

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