Ich.

Kieran

u were there for me
i was so vulnerable
at my lowest point in life,
overwhelmed with all the emotions i've never felt before

the jealousy, insecurity, sadness, i even shared the few moments of my happiness,
told u about how the blade slowly cut into my skin and left a red trace of liquid behind,
i sent u the soft melodies that got stuck in my head,
couldn't help but share the excitement i had for colourful pixels in a video game,

i spent so much time thinking about u; early in the morning while i heard birds chirping and the advertisements before i could listen to ur favourite songs,
on every random occassion, the many times of regret and longing,

i looked up to u
u impressed me
u made me like u
and everything in the shortest amount of time possible

it might be psychotic, but u were just the missing piece in my twisted, chaotic, overwhelming puzzle of feelings,
because i felt so lonely, so alone, so sad, not knowing what to do in those situations every seventeen year old goes through,
and i felt like the anxiety of not being enough would eat me alive

and u probably weren't all that great, because what is even skill in a non real world,
it's like being good at something in a dream, and in my dream u were always there for me,
but i was probably trapped in an illusion; there is no way u actually are worth all the hours of thinking or the tears because i feel like i've just experienced the biggest loss in my life

i'm such a dumb, naive, young and obsessive girl, and ur nothing more than someone who longed for satisfaction of his physical needs, for the short high of relaxing feelings,
u had six more years to be a person that would have known better than to be that kind of guy they talk about in videos about alarming men no one should fall for,
six whole years

i hate the fact that i was so messed up to begin with, that all the tears i've cried, all the moments of loneliness lead to the moment of this obsession,
i hate that i'm so small and easy to hurt and i just want to feel happiness one day,
and i hate that i'll forever think about u, that u didn't say goodbye, that u won't think about me the way i do in a year from now

i hate that we're practially strangers and i wouldn't know who u are if u'd pass by me on the street