Under the Stars

4: Panic!... Not at the Disco

I called my dad as I began to walk out of the school. He came and picked me up without asking any questions. He was giving me my space. Before long we were back home, and I had run upstairs to my room. I quickly changed my shoes, grabbed my blankets, and opened my window. It was a clear night and though it was early May, it was still cool outside. I placed one blanket on the roof that was still a little warm to the touch from the sunlight earlier, wrapped the other blanket around me, and laid down on the first. I stared up at the stars in the sky, looking for the Cassiopeia constellation, and just took a deep breath once I found it, releasing all the emotions that overwhelmed me not too long ago. I felt the tears falling freely. I didn't even bother trying to hold them back. However, I didn't sob. I just let the tears fall quietly. I had no idea what was happening with all the ups and downs of my emotions at the school today, so I simply closed my eyes and tried to relax.

Knock, knock.

"I'm not ready to talk yet, dad," I said without opening my eyes. The next thing I knew, I felt someone lay down beside me on the blanket. But it wasn't dad's cologne I smelled. Nor was it dad's arm that snuck under my head and pulled me in for a comforting side hug. I knew exactly who it was, and I just accepted the warmth and comfort and snuggled in, letting the tears flow freely yet again.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" Asked the calming, smooth voice.

"No, not really." Came my raspy voice.

"Okay. You don't have to. I'm here for you El. For when you are ready to talk."

"Thank you, Stev," I said, sniffling, sobs on the brink of escaping me again.

"Anytime El. Anytime." He said and hugged me tighter.

The next thing I remember was my dad telling us to come inside. Stevien tapped my shoulder to wake me, and I suddenly realized that I had fallen asleep on Stevien's chest. Listening to his heartbeat had soothed me to sleep. It was such a nice feeling, and I was embarrassed that I enjoyed it so much and that my dad found us like that. Stevien, being the gentleman that he was, helped me to carefully climb back inside. We made our way downstairs to be greeted by my dad and his. Mr. Jones had taken one look at me and quickly looked understandingly to Stevien.

"Hey, dad. Sorry I didn't tell you I was over here." Stevien told his father.

"That's okay bud. I saw your mom's car and was curious if you were back, so I stopped by and asked Eli. He said that you were up talking with El."

"Sorry, Mr. Jones," I said quietly.

"That's okay, El. I um. Well. I don't know what happened, but if you need more time to talk with Stevien, Eli and I decided that he could stay here tonight. We know how close you two are and trust that nothing would happen."

"Dad!" Stevien practically shouted at his dad. My face became the reddest and hottest I had ever felt it get and I was sure it couldn't get any redder nor hotter.

"Besides, my room is right next to Lottie's room and I won't be sleeping a wink tonight." My dad added.

"Dad!" I said realizing that my face indeed could go redder and hotter than I previously thought possible.

"I don't mind staying and talking with El, I just don't want to stay in this stuffy suit. Would it be okay if I changed first and then came back?" Stevien asked.

"Sure bud. I always hated wearing suits myself." Mr. Jones said giving Stevien a side hug, patting his shoulder. They walked out the door shortly after that, leaving dad standing beside me in the living room of our house.

"Sweetheart, I know that it hasn't been easy growing up without your mother, for either of us really, but I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, anytime. I will always be here for you."

"I know dad," I said as I gave him a small smile and hug. "Thank you. I'm going to go now to take a shower and put on some sweats before Stevien comes back."

"Lottie, you do know I was serious about not sleeping a wink and keeping my door open tonight, right?"

"Dad! Please don't worry about that. I get the feeling he will never see me as anything other than his, and I quote, 'tomboy El.'" I said dejectedly.

"Oh, Lottie. That's what this is about? You like him and you think he only sees you as his friend?"

"Please, dad. I really don't want to talk about it. I... I'm going to go shower now." I said as I carefully raced up the stairs trying to not trip on my dress.

A half an hour later, I was out of the shower and dressed in the comfiest clothes I had. I walked into my bedroom to find Stevien lying on top of my bed scrolling through his phone. He must have been watching some sort of video because every so often he would smirk or chuckle. I smiled to myself while watching him. Realizing just how creepy I must have looked, I decided to walk over to him. He didn't notice me walk in, so he jumped a lot when I said "hi". We both laughed about it before he broke the ice.

"Do you want to talk about it yet?" He asked me as he slid over to make room for me to lie down next to him.

"No. I just want to forget about it." I answered honestly climbing into bed, pulling the comforter over me as much as was possible with Stevien laying on top of half of it. What followed was a bit of an awkward feeling before the silence was broken.

"El, does this have anything to do with the dance?" He asked shyly with embarrassment showing slightly on his cheeks.

"Well, yes, but probably not in the way you think," I replied just as shyly.

"Oookaayy." He said dragging out the vowel sounds awkwardly.

"Look. I just had a bit of a panic attack and didn't know what to do, so I left." That was only a half-truth.

"Are you sure that is all? Jake made it seem like something else was wrong." He pushed.

"I can't tell you Stev. I wish I could, but I just cannot bring myself to say it. Please." I started crying again.

"El, please don't cry. I just wanted to make sure that I didn't do something to cause this." He said while gesturing to me crying at the word this.

"Stev, I promise this was not because of something you did or didn't do. It was someone else. Someone who hates me for no good reason and knows how to make me feel like I matter less than a speck of dirt. It's not you, Stev. I promise. And if it were you, I would let you know, but... It wasn't you." I replied sadly, mimicking his gesture on the word "this".

"I am so sorry that you feel that way, El." He said hugging me. "How could someone make you feel like you matter so little? Who is it? I will talk some sense into them." He said getting defensive for me.

"I can't tell you that right now. Maybe someday, but definitely not now. As for how... They are simply good at it I guess."

"Okay but promise me that if I ever make you feel that way, and I hope to God that I never do, that you will smack some sense into me. Please, El. I never, ever, want to make you feel that way. You are my best friend, and you are worth so much more than that." He said, looking down at me with pleading eyes.

I had to look away. I was starting to cry again. I started to turn away from him, but he held me wrapped tight up against his chest, just as we were on the roof not long ago. Once again, I found myself listening to the calming sound of his heart, beating strongly, this time feeling the rise and fall of his chest with each breath beneath my ear. Before long, I drifted off into a dark void full of restlessness.

Word count: 1446