Airel: The Discovering (Airel Saga Book Two)

Chapter VI

THE NEXT MORNING, WE were up early, except for Kim, who was sleeping off the bruises and soreness. I sat with Kreios before sunrise in the library by the fireplace.

He wasn’t one for small talk, and that seemed especially appropriate now, given that we were up against so many negative possibilities, including the Brotherhood.

“I want to make sure you’re okay. I know all of this is a lot to take in.” Kreios looked over at me, and I felt for the first time that he was a real advocate. But not only that—everything he did was for me, to help me. Knowing that he was also my grandfather made it that much more real and special.

“Yeah, I’m good. Just trying to work it all out in my mind. I feel like I know you; as if a part of you has been inside me my entire life.” I could feel my heart tighten as I tried not to think about Michael. It was hard not to think about the man I was in love with.

“Airel, I know all of this is difficult for you. You have enough to try to understand, on top of your realization that you have supernatural abilities. You were kidnapped and taken from everything you know. Your friend was abducted and nearly killed, your life has been upended …” I was glad he didn’t mention the primary crisis in my heart. He continued, “Well, any one of those things would be hard for an adult, much more so a young lady just starting out.” He folded his hands around a hot cup of tea and sighed.

My eyes burned. I tried to hold back the dam that was ready to break. I missed my parents, my school, and my life. I had never asked for any of this. Not once. The one person I needed most, after all of this, was my mom. I needed to cry in her arms and to feel her love, to tell her how broken I was. And what sucked about it was that, no matter how badly I wanted to feel her near, I couldn’t. “I’m so scared. I feel so alone right now.”

Kreios touched my hand with gentle fingers. “Love is a different kind of thing, Airel. We can give our hearts away and lose ourselves in someone we love. I know what it’s like to love, to lose …”

“Yeah, but she died; she didn’t betray you. She didn’t lie to you, or lead you on about caring for you and then leave you.” Tears were now streaming down my cheeks. I wiped at them with the back of my hand.

“Yes, that is true,” he said, his eyes showing flashes of unresolved grief. “I did love … I still love my wife. I left everything I knew for her. I left the God who made me; I was the one who betrayed El’s love for me. For love … we do things we would not otherwise do. But one thing we do have to understand is that true love is freedom.”

I looked at him and sucked in a deep breath. “What does that mean?”

“It means that you have to find out who you are. Who are you, Airel? Do not be defined by the man you love; do not lose who you are in the love of another. We can only love the way we were created to if we are first whole in ourselves. If you drown in your feelings for someone, it will turn to obsession and it will cloud your mind to reality.” He took a slow sip of his tea.

“I don’t know who I am,” I said. “I’m confused, alone, hurt … and I feel like the one person I trusted most just cut my heart out. I know deep down that Michael loved me. I saw it in him. But he threw it all away, and for what? How can he just toss me aside like that?” My heart hurt so much that I felt like it would burst. Hot tears flowed, and I let them fall. I had to deal with my pain; I couldn’t hide it inside anymore.

“I don’t know why he did what he did. Maybe he did love you. Maybe there is more to the story than we will ever know. But even if he did love you and you were going to be together, you have to step back and look at how you loved him. Do you see that it was unhealthy? Do you see how he was overtaking who you are as a person? You are bound for failure if you allow yourself to drown in each other.”

His eyes were very soft. “I love you, Airel. I have been looking after you from a distance since you were born. I want what is best for you. This pain—this need you have for him—is not love.”

I became angry with how he was turning my pure love into something it could never be. “I love him. Don’t you get it? It was him, not how he looked or what he said, but him. He sees me for who I really am. And it’s my choice to love him. Don’t you think I want to forget, to hate him for what he did to me? I want more than anything to erase him from my memories.” I was sobbing now, and I buried my head in my hands and wept.

I looked back on every conversation, every look, every word spoken. The truth of what Kreios was saying came shining through, inevitably. I had decided to love him, yes—but then I had begun to lose myself. I didn’t want to see it, didn’t want to admit he was right. How could this happen? I wanted to drown, to drink in Michael and die, consumed by him. But was that real? Was it something I could count on?

Kreios let me cry. He didn’t reach out to comfort me, but sat back with accepting eyes and let me get it all out. It flowed like water through the imagined man I had created, dissolving him into nothing.

“Tears never lie, Airel. What you are feeling is part of who you are. You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent, loving young woman. In you, there is more than you can imagine. You don’t need a man to love you for you to be special. You are special because you are you. Don’t you see? See and believe you are one of God’s children, a daughter of El; that is what makes you special.”

My shoulders shook as I poured out all my hurt, all my love and all my hidden hate for Michael, for myself. A part of me didn’t want to feel; I wanted to shut it off, to run and hide from this overpowering pain. But what would that do? Would it stay buried? Like oil, it would always come to the surface.

“I just want it to go away. I can’t live feeling like this.” My voice cracked, and I let the wave of thoughts and memories cover me. “Kreios, I need him … I want him … but …”

“You have to let him go, Airel. You have to feel the pain, the hurt, and let him go.” Taking me in his arms, Kreios held me and I cried out of my soul. Never before had I opened up my heart to my own fears and feelings. It was the worst and best experience of my life.

I’m not sure how much time went by, but after it was all over, I fell into a deep sleep as Kreios ran his hand through my hair. He was my connection, the one person who understood what it was like, what I was feeling. I don’t know if the pain of this moment will change my life for good or bad, but if I can move on and be strong, I know I’ll be fine. I will be okay in the end.

Because I am enough.