𝐎𝐇 𝐎𝐏𝐇𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐀 ; lord tewkesbury

XVII.

Tewkesbury

It was like the moon and stars all danced in her head at night, and she tried so hard to hold on tight to their possibilities. The universe which lived inside her mind was so big and the Earth so small, and I even smaller. We had no chance of survival somewhere like that, we would be swallowed whole by the imagination.

Though, I wish I was at the center of it all, and I could see what she saw and feel what she felt. Because she felt entirely, with every breath she took and every step she left behind, she felt it all.

She was beauty and tragedy all rolled into one, like rainfall during a storm. And I looked at her, I couldn't help myself but to look at how incredible she was. I never wanted to turn away, go even a second without studying the dimples at the sides of her cheeks or the scrunch of her nose when she got angry.

Ophelia burned brighter than the sun, and you had to look.

She held her dreams in her eyes, like an ongoing forest full of life. They would rarely dull, only when she'd remind herself of what she wanted and what she didn't have. Then for a moment they'd become lost, only found again when she could spot beauty. That happened almost instantly because she couldn't go a second without seeing beauty, she found it where most could not.

I always made sure I was careful when I talked to her, that the words I spoke were worthy enough for her ears. That my sentences flowed like a poem, that every word she'd consider beautiful and she always did. I made sure that I didn't waste her time.

Ophelia and time, that was something I noticed relatively quickly about her. Her forever was much different than ours, it didn't mean forever when she said it. Her forever was only days, minutes, moments. Then it faded away like nothing happened and she would become something new. She was constantly moving, running, nothing could stay the same for too long.

It wasn't time that held her back or pushed her forward, it was moments like on that beach she couldn't stand to give up. So she'd hide it in the furthest part of her mind, only returning to it when she needed to be reminded of that feeling.

I really hope that she remembers that feeling, the day that I felt the world could eat me whole.

The day that I was with a girl, and she was beautiful. Her red hair blew in the wind and she sat there, still, like the world had stopped and it was only her and I.

I wanted to tell her everything. The millions of thoughts that rushed in my head as soon as I saw her, the fear I felt, the joy I felt. It was all mixed into one when I was with Ophelia.

The moment that I saw the tears roll down her face, landing softly in the sand. I'll always see it, always see her. Shattering into broken glass, sharp as ever, cutting directly through my soul. But I still couldn't look away, because even while she was in pain she was beautiful.

I hope that she never forgets how much love I felt for her. How I would go through the darkest of hell just to have her stay, just to have her love me back.

Maybe I was being selfish, caused too much of a scene when I begged her to stay, but I spoke my truth.

I thought we could last if we tried. If I could find a way to adapt to her spontaneous nature. That's when the thought of running away with her crossed my mind. But how long could that possibly last? I wasn't like Ophelia, I couldn't just leave that easy and start somewhere new.

I'm not even sure Ophelia would want me to come with, it was an adventure of her own. So I decided that I would stay behind.

I sometimes wondered if she wanted me around at all, because there were some moments she chose not to listen to what I had to say. Like by listening somehow it would make things worse. So she'd sink down into her own thoughts and block me out entirely. If she really listened I knew that she'd understand why I wanted her to stay.

I don't think I'll ever love someone like I love Ophelia Brookings, I don't think you can ever recover from someone like that.

I'm not even sure that I wanted to recover from it, I'd rather just sit in the pain of her doings. That's the only part of her I had left, the only part of her I could hold on to. And I wasn't eager to let go.

The last I saw her she told me that she'd come back, that she'd miss me wherever she was. She told me that she'd bring me something too, she promised that I wouldn't be disappointed with her findings.

I was excited for that day but I also dreaded it, the new Ophelia, the one who's life didn't include me.

Regardless of everything, I was happy for her, she could finally be somewhere where she felt happy.

The day she left I told her that I loved her again, but it was the same as the first, she felt nothing. I still didn't believe her. We shared too much to feel nothing.

I let her go that time without a struggle, I couldn't stop her, no one could. She couldn't even stop herself if she wanted to.

Most days I just sat lonely, waiting for someone who was even half as special as Ophelia but they never came. I didn't need someone to impress me by flaunting their wealth, I didn't care about that. What I cared about was people like her. People that could change the whole course of the world if they wanted to.

Most people thought that I was dumb for pursuing Ophelia, they spoke these thoughts under their breaths like I couldn't hear them. But I heard every word, and maybe they were right. She always said that she wouldn't marry and she wouldn't settle, but I still allowed myself to fall in love with her. I couldn't control it though, and I didn't regret it either.

I wondered if she would ever marry, years from now. Even though she said she wouldn't, she could always change her mind in the future. But maybe I was making things up in my head, Ophelia didn't go back on her words.

My mother did want me to marry, the one thing I dreaded the most. Arguing didn't help the situation, but I made a compromise, I would untimely get to decide who it was.

I hated it, I hated every single second of it. All the girls felt the same after awhile, not bad in any way, they just were different to her. They were all too predictable, you could never know what Ophelia was going to do.

I need to stop comparing, I know. But I'm still not over her.

Arabella Ellis was actually someone my mother was quite keen on, she had gone to school with Ophelia, someone she had mentioned to me several times. Ophelia always said Arabella was like a rose, seemingly perfect but you were bound to get pricked.

It did get under my skin that she wasn't the kindest to Ophelia, but she sat in front of me as sweet as could be. I hate to admit it but it was enchanting after some time.

She was very beautiful, like what princesses in storybooks would look like, that would be Arabella. Honey skin that was kissed by the sun and icy eyes that pierced your soul, completed with bow lips that looked as soft as silk.

She always looked soft, her face never seemed scrunched up in thought. It made me wonder how much she truly knew, and if she saw things the way Ophelia did.

I was being too unrealistic, of course she didn't.

I felt nothing when I looked at her even though I tried my hardest to, just to feel anything.

But I couldn't. I couldn't love her, she wasn't Ophelia.

A year had already passed since her leaving, what felt like an eternity. I chose someone who was far away, that's who I still choose.

I'll always choose Ophelia.

Even though I know it won't be fair to my future wife, I swear that I was already so bound to Ophelia, so tightly woven.

I'd rather be in love with someone who couldn't love me back than fake it with someone else.

So I'll choose her until my last breath.