Fishnets and Trash Bag Skirts

Squatter

I regret this already.

"Great tour, shitheads," Fink spat. "Get out of my van. I have children to abduct."

"Fuck you, Mongo. I don't know why I put up with you imbeciles. See you on Monday," Van Gough shouted as he walked away. 

I unlocked the door to my flat and stepped in. The first thing I noticed was the godawful smell. Someone had shit in a cat box, ejaculated in my sink, and put... what is that- wait, I don't wanna know in my garbage can. The whole flat was in total disarray.

"Who is here? I have bat," I said as I surveyed the flat. I did not have a bat.

A pretty lady jumped out from behind my sofa. "Please don't call the police. My boyfriend and I were squatting here, but we'll be glad to leave."

"If break up with boyfriend, then I won't. You're sexy. There were no sexy women in Mongo's van."

"Done. My name's Lana," she said, offering her hand.

"The Snoo," I replied. I did not shake her hand.

Lana scanned me quickly. "Nice outfit. I like the skirt."

"Only woman wear skirt. This is man skirt."

She giggled. "And you're funny, too."

"How Snoo funny? The Snoo serious."

"And I'm Beyonce."

"I thought you are Lana."

"Ugh, never mind. Do you always wear that mask?"

"Yes. Mask never come off."

"Why?"

"Mask make The Snoo awesome."

Lana sat on the sofa and put her boots over the back. "I think I know the real reason. You're that guy from Green Day. You're Tre Cool."

"How dare you! Tre Cool is ugly. The Snoo is ladies' man. Tre Cool is little girl, but The Snoo is man. The Snoo is macho."

"Macho men don't wear fishnets and trash bag skirts."

"The Snoo is poor macho man."

Lana laughed this time. It was a deep belly laugh. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, Snoo.". She turned om the TV and put it on The Tonight Show. "That Jimmy Fallon is quite the guy, ain't he?"

"Yes. He is SnooAnon believer. Good man. We go on his show one day."

"Who is we?"

"My band. We are called The Network."

"What kind of music do you play?"

"We play music of the gods. The best music ever."

"Sounds grand, but like, what genre."

"Mortals call us new wave."

"Oh, that's cool. I like new wave."

"I did not ask. I'm going to bed. Do not follow me. We sex when Snoo wakes up."

"Alright, I'm gonna beat it on your sofa. Have fun."

~~~~~~~~~8 hours later~~~~~~~~~

"Snoo wake up, Lana. We sex now."

Lana came in my room and sat at the edge of my bed. "Wow, you even sleep with that thing on? I guess you weren't kidding, eh?"

"Snoo does not kid. Take clothes off and suck dick."

"And what if I don't?"

"Then Snoo jerk off while touching breasts."

"I'm good. You're not getting any until I see you without that mask."

"Okay, I take off mask.". I turned on the light and took off the mask. 

Lana gasped. "Tre Cool!?"

I took off that mask.

Lana gasped again. "Another luchador mask!?"

"Damn these masks. Wrong one," I said taking off my lucha mask.

Lana gasped yet another time. "Leonardo DiCaprio!?"

"Yes, it is me. Leo DiCaprio. No other mask under this one."

Lana removed my Leo mask to find another luchador mask. "Oh my god, will this ever end?"

"No. Snoo never shows face. Masks make Snoo awesome."

"Whatever. You're a loser," she sighed. 

"And you sex me now.  You saw Snoo without that mask."

"I had my fingers crossed," she said, revealing her crossed fingers.

"Damn! You have tricked The Snoo."

"Damn straight. No one gets over on me."

"Get out. Snoo jerk off now," I commanded. I shoved her off my bed and kicked her ass.

"Ow! Fuck you!"

"I bet you wish you had. Get!"

Lana got up off the floor and rubbed her sore behind. She stuck her tongue out at me as she exited my room.

I'm too lazy to give this an ending.